I don't even know how to begin the conversation...

[Rai]

Ok, so I've told my parents and my sister and a few select friends about being queer and genderqueer. And I think I want to tell the rest of my family and friends soon. But every time I've tried to tell someone I can't figure out how to start talking about it. So I decided to write a letter and send it to everyone. ...But even in a letter, I can't figure out how the hell I'm supposed to start explaining about being genderqueer. I can handle coming out as queer. People know what that is, even though they're not going to expect it to come from me. But the genderqueer thing...? My sister already knew what it was (even though she doesn't believe it's really me...long story...) because she's studied it for a research project. And the friends who I told are all people who were in an LGBT and queer program at my college, so they either knew about it already or learned about it in class. So that was all fairly easy. My parents don't get it, and when I came out to them I had this whole thing written down (and now of course I can't find the paper) and I still sounded confused.

So every time I go to write this letter I start explaining one thing and it leads to having to explain another thing and then another and defining words and then I feel like I have to rationalize it somehow but I don't know how to do that because I can't exactly "prove" that this is really how I feel and then I read over what I've written and I realize that no one in their right mind would understand it. It jumps around and is totally nonlinear, which I guess kind of makes sense, given that identities are never really linear. I just don't know.

Even this is all just a jumble of words that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I wish I could just figure out how to explain it easily. But given the nature of living in a binary world, explaining a non-binary identity isn't ever going to be easy.

Anyway, got any ideas about how I can make this a tad bit simpler? Or at least how I can get through it?

[Psychopomp]

Have you considered writing a little glossary of terms to go with your letter?

[Ryles]

I haven't seen any genderqueer books, not htat I've done a great deal of looking. Or maybe (if you like it) one of the gender charts that turned up here might help to illustrate the idea.

I'm not really sure how I'd go about it. Good luck. A glossary might help, too.

[Luna Lovegood]

Oh, my. I wish that I had answers. I imagine that it will be tough.

*hugs Rai*


A good book that I used when coming out to my family the second time was True Selves. It is not 100% about genderqueer--it is mainly focused on helping the family of TS people understand the issue, but I believe that it would be good for the families of genderqueer people as well.

[Kass-ID]

I had a similar situation in talking to my listening partner for class. I was talking about being a part of the LGBT community, and had to explain that the T was a way oversimplification of the concept. Then I broke down the different groups as I see them. I don't think there's an easy way around it, you almost have to start from a place of "So obviously there are MtFs and FtMs and you know about that part, but there are a lot more options than that like ect ect." That's the best I could do.

[Rai]

Thanks for the ideas everyone! I've read a lot of those books and then some. I think I'll definitely start recommending them to people. Yeah, a glossary of terms would probably be a good addition to my letter. I guess it kind of simultaneously complicates and uncomplicates stuff, when you have to keep referring to a glossary. Oh well. I just wish there was an easy solution for this, but I know there isn't. Thanks again!

[LeoNine]

*off-topic*

Your new haircut looks great, Rai!

[LeoNine]

To your original dilemma, if you're going to write a letter, I suggest not being overly-wordy or you may come across as being a bit defensive or even unsure about yourself. I agree that a glossary would be useful for some terms, but if you want to have a dialogue with these people later, perhaps you could also ask them to ask you for further explanation? It might break the ice a bit better, especially with those who might not have much of an idea about gender differences in the first place.

On the books, I've just finished GenderQueer, Voices From Beyond the Sexual Binary, and although it was very good, I'm not sure if you could take anything from it to help you here. I haven't read any of the others.

I hope it all goes well, whatever you do!

[PeachLeaf]

If you get the LOGO channel, the documentary "Gender Rebels" comes up occasionally.
If you can, maybe you could TiVO it or record it? It gives an excellent example of what genderqueer is.

[anathema]

If you get the LOGO channel, the documentary "Gender Rebels" comes up occasionally.
If you can, maybe you could TiVO it or record it? It gives an excellent example of what genderqueer is.

That one is on Netflix. I had my mom watch it. It helped a bit.

[smischmal]

If you get the LOGO channel, the documentary "Gender Rebels" comes up occasionally.
If you can, maybe you could TiVO it or record it? It gives an excellent example of what genderqueer is.

That one is on Netflix. I had my mom watch it. It helped a bit.

It's also on the LOGO site here.