I want to kill him

[EJA]

I apologize in advance for the length and content.

This doesn't have to do with my sexuality or gender identity, but it is a serious family issue I've been dealing with since 6th grade (I'm in 11th note), and something recently happened where I need to talk about it.

To make a long story short...my father is a very clingy type of person. VERY VERY clingy. So around 5th or 6th grade when I started going through puberty etc., I started to rebel and shove away my parents just like every other normal pre-teen.
Instead of going with the flow and letting me be a teenager, he clung even tighter - both physically and mentally. I told him to stop, but this only made him more certain that the more attention he gave me, the more he tried to hug me or whatever, the better it'd be - but that only made it worse. So much worse.

This progressed worse and worse to the point where I couldn't touch him anymore, couldn't talk to him, look at him, anything - I think I have some sort of dementia or paranoia now, because whenever I even think of him now I feel dirty, and when I'm forced to talk to, touch, or look at him...it feels like I'm on fire. I HATE it. I run, lock myself in the bathroom, strip down, and scratch at the offended area (wherever he touched me, for example) with nails, scissors, soap, a washcloth, anything to make it feel clean again - though it never works. I can't touch anything that's his or that he's touched - if he uses a doorknob, I have to wear a glove or wash off the doorknob with soap and water before I touch it. Same with pretty much any surface. If he touches anything in my room, it gets sprayed down hardcore with room/body spray and wiped down with a sponge, soap, and water. I can't help it. I try to, but I can't.

I've done everything to prevent this - I eat less so I don't have to go downstairs in case he comes down too, I force myself to become sick and throw up so I have an excuse to stay home from family events, et cetera. I turn my Ipod volume up all the way when he's around even though it hurts my ears, just so I can't hear his voice. I leave the house half an hour early, meaning I wake up at 5 am every day when I could be waking up at 6, just so I don't have to deal with him following me and knocking on my door and torturing me all morning until I finally leave.

Let me make this clear: He has never touched me inappropriately, never sexually assaulted me, anything like that. But just the progression of things makes this even worse. I'm fantasizing about torturing and killing him almost every night and I like it. I'm not going to share the sort of fantasies I have because I don't think everyone here would be able to stomach them.

I hate him so much.

I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm rambling, or like I'm looking for attention. I'm not. But after something recently happened tonight that I don't want to share...I feel like I NEED to tell someone. I need to get out of here, I need to do something, I want to fucking KILL him. I've already looked up online different types of poison like foxglove, looked up prices, etc. I don't think I'd actually kill him, but it's something I want to do so badly, something I've been thinking about for so long....

I don't want sympathy or someone to tell me I'm crazy or any special attention at all. I just need someone to talk to. I want to know if there's someone else like me out there. I need advice. I can't move out of here until I graduate high school, and I'm only in 11th grade now. I also can't tell anyone.

The thing is, when he's not around...I'm totally normal. I have lots of friends whom I care for dearly, I participate in music and other groups in and outside of school, I talk to people, laugh, whatever. But as soon as he comes onto the scene...boom. It changes immediately.

Sorry this is so long (I know most of you won't read this after you see how long it is), and sorry if this is jumbled and random and coming off weird or whatever....I know it doesn't make sense and I know I sound out of my mind, but...help me.

[KayleeSaeihr]

:: hugs ::

And suddenly I realise I wouldn't make a very good parent. I sound very much like your father..and that scares me.

Perhaps you should get a mediator, an uninvolved third party to help work things out between you. Help explain to him that the more he pushes the further you'll go.

[EJA]

You might make a good parent. Just listen to your kids - if they say they need space, they need space.
I did. I talked to a therapist who did absolutely nothing - he basically tried to force me into doing stuff with my father, but just in a nice way. I've looked up other therapists to try and see one without my parents' knowledge, but I don't have enough money right now or the transportation to an office. I also emailed my guidance counselor anonymously, whose only response was that if I don't tell him who I am, he couldn't help.
Also, back when I could at least stand talking to him for short periods of time, I told him that I feel like he's pushing me too hard and that I need my space, and he cursed me out and said it was ridiculous.
I feel like I'm being shut up and shut off, and I have to live with this until I graduate. I want to move out so badly; I'm already counting down the days until the minute I finish high school.

[KayleeSaeihr]

Maybe some space and distance will do you both some good.

[EJA]

That's actually true.
When I was away the previous summer for 3 and a half weeks, that much time got to the point where I could at least think his face in my mind for a second or two at most before it started hurting.
But then he came back and it just shattered and got worse.
I do think time is the best way to help it, but that's impossible.
Well, this summer I'm planning the following: I'll stay asleep/in my room until everyone leaves the house, then do whatever, then leave the house right before he gets home, then somehow..idk what to do from there. I can't just disappear all summer.
Do you have any suggestions?
It's okay if you don't. just wondering. And by 'you', that can also mean anyone reading this....?

[KayleeSaeihr]

I don't know if running away of disappearing is the answer. But moving out, maybe to another city might be an idea. But then I'm not expert in such matters, so take any advice I given with a grain of salt.

[EJA]

I can't move out yet, but I'm planning on doing so as soon as I graduate high school. I'm already looking at various apartment complexes to get the idea of which are better than others, pricewise and et cetera. In fact, I don't care if I lived in a tiny one-room apartment right outside a garbage dump and infested with rats, as long as I was out of here. :\
Come summer, I'm basically going to be living in town - I can eat there, go on the computer, read, chill with people (since there's nothing to do where I live except for hang around town), whatever. I can basically live there and then just come home to sleep/shower/change clothes. I also want to get my driver's license by this time (if I get my permit by new years, then I can have my license by June).
I'll be living independently, minus where I'm living, that is.
I actually never though of that before...I can do that during spring/winter breaks, too....And on weekends...

[Recursive Paradox]

I've honestly never heard of something like this happening from just clingy-ness. In every case in which the reactions you're getting from what he does and such has happened in other people I know, it's when they were abused or raped by the parent in question.

It definitely doesn't sound normal at all.

On the same token, he shouldn't be pushing you when you're having this severe of a problem with it. It all comes off as very odd to me and it makes me feel like something stranger than you realize perhaps happened in the past or is happening.

I dunno, maybe I'm rambling now.

[static nonsense]

Get in contact with a psychiatrist or psychologist. What you are describing is exactly how our paranoia behaves when our disorder flares. If it is bringing you to this level of pain, you need to get it checked out. A good amount of response to a situation is based on one's perception, and if a mental disorder is in play, that perception will be altered. Reality will be there but it is twisted - behaviors become amplified and you start to read and perceive intentions that may not be present.

I'm not saying that it's a mental disorder - but it is most certainly a risk, and we can recognize paranoia pretty easily now. Check into it even if only to rule out the possibility.

Zero and error (in a blender sort of thing, like a smoothie, please don't drink us O_O)

[AlexTheSane]

Yeah, if you're freaking out that badly, you need to do something about it. Phsychologist, or something. *HUGS*

[Shadow Dragon]

I would suggest talking to your mother when he isn't around and don't let her turn a blind eye to it. This might be a mental disorder, or it could be the result of some type of extreme stress. Either way, you should definetely talk to a psychologist about it. Get your mom to help pay for it if possible. Good luck. *hugs*

[EJA]

DieselSandwich: Not clingy like...idk. As in, when we used to be close he'd hug me and then I'd tell him to get off of me and in response he refused to let go. Or the family would be watching a movie and he'd get all close and snuggly and if I pushed him away he would only cling tighter. That was years ago, of course =p I've tried to reverse it, to force myself to not be affected by it, but it really doesn't work at all.

static nonsense: Yes, I've been researching psychologists etc., and I'll be able to get to one once I can find one within walking/biking distance and once I can afford one. I'd have to handle it all myself, and obviously the school counselor isn't a choice - every once in while I check online for psychologists near me to see if it's possible to get in contact with one.
What you're describing is exactly like it, but I'm not amplifying it - he does follow me everywhere and tries to force himself close and..ew. The intentions are there, and I don't know how everyone else doesn't see them because it's so obvious.

Shadow Dragon: I have talked to my mom about it, or rather, she sits me down and tries to figure it out. I don't know what to say though - she repeats everything I say to my family and close friends even if she promises not to so I know I can't trust her with any information or expect her to help me out with this...I'm not close to my family at all; my friends are my family.
I HAVE told one friend about this, but she lives about an hour and a half away from me and I only see her once or twice a year. I know I can call her about anything.

I really, really don't want to have a mental disorder. I'm sure this is just some extreme...something. Besides, isn't paranoia thinking that everyone is out to get you or something? :\

Thanks for your replies, guys.

[EJA]

I looked up something like this --> delusional disorder. It pretty much pertains to this except for that this isn't "unlikely" or "unbelievable", it's true and very obviously so. But how I react to the situation...it's not like I'm choosing this. I'm trying not to. And I can't have a mental disorder, because this isn't my fault, it's his. If he would just die or go away forever, and if we get rid of his stuff - like the chair he sits in to eat, his computer, and his clothing, and we'd have to replace the bed he sleeps in, stuff like that, then that would be okay because I'd never have to think about him again.

EDIT: Went to library, checked out two books on mental illnesses, bookmarked all the parts that looked important. I also went to this website:
http://my.clevelandclinic.org/disorders ... order.aspx
THEY'RE WRONG.
It's so hard reading them - they keep referring to situations where the patients believed stuff similar to mine, but they kept calling what the people believed "delusions" and "bizarre and obviously false to most people" and stuff like that....but mine's right. I mean, it's not obviously false - it's obviously true. Anyone could see it if they'd just look. He follows me. He makes me talk to him. He makes me look at him. He keeps trying to touch me, ew, whatever, I don't know...but these books aren't even considering that what the people believe might be RIGHT - because in my case, it is, and now I don't know what to do about it.

One sentence hit me very hard: "The most common form of delusion is a persecutory delusion, the belief that others are trying to harm you. You may focus on a family member,...you may believe that people are harassing you for a specific purpose:...." etc, it goes on from there.
What this book is describing, overall, is EXACTLY like my situation - except for mine's not a delusion at all. It's real, and don't tell me I'm just saying that because it actually is a delusion: It's not.

Obviously no one is going to believe me if I tell them, or they'll try to "cure" me when all I really need is for my father to go away and all his stuff to be...out of my life, disposed or gotten rid of in some way.
What do I do about this?

[Recursive Paradox]

DieselSandwich: Not clingy like...idk. As in, when we used to be close he'd hug me and then I'd tell him to get off of me and in response he refused to let go. Or the family would be watching a movie and he'd get all close and snuggly and if I pushed him away he would only cling tighter. That was years ago, of course =p I've tried to reverse it, to force myself to not be affected by it, but it really doesn't work at all.

See things like this make me wonder if there is abuse or sexual weirdness going on simply because that is such an unusual behavior for someone to take. I would take offense to it if someone did it to me and it wouldn't matter if they were family or not. No means no, whether it's applied to simple affection or anything else.

If you do have some form of paranoia this certainly isn't helping it.

[KayleeSaeihr]

I looked up something like this --> delusional disorder. It pretty much pertains to this except for that this isn't "unlikely" or "unbelievable", it's true and very obviously so. But how I react to the situation...it's not like I'm choosing this. I'm trying not to. And I can't have a mental disorder, because this isn't my fault, it's his. If he would just die or go away forever, and if we get rid of his stuff - like the chair he sits in to eat, his computer, and his clothing, and we'd have to replace the bed he sleeps in, stuff like that, then that would be okay because I'd never have to think about him again.

EDIT: Went to library, checked out two books on mental illnesses, bookmarked all the parts that looked important. I also went to this website:
http://my.clevelandclinic.org/disorders ... order.aspx
THEY'RE WRONG.
It's so hard reading them - they keep referring to situations where the patients believed stuff similar to mine, but they kept calling what the people believed "delusions" and "bizarre and obviously false to most people" and stuff like that....but mine's right. I mean, it's not obviously false - it's obviously true. Anyone could see it if they'd just look. He follows me. He makes me talk to him. He makes me look at him. He keeps trying to touch me, ew, whatever, I don't know...but these books aren't even considering that what the people believe might be RIGHT - because in my case, it is, and now I don't know what to do about it.

One sentence hit me very hard: "The most common form of delusion is a persecutory delusion, the belief that others are trying to harm you. You may focus on a family member,...you may believe that people are harassing you for a specific purpose:...." etc, it goes on from there.
What this book is describing, overall, is EXACTLY like my situation - except for mine's not a delusion at all. It's real, and don't tell me I'm just saying that because it actually is a delusion: It's not.

Obviously no one is going to believe me if I tell them, or they'll try to "cure" me when all I really need is for my father to go away and all his stuff to be burned or gotten rid of or something :\
What do I do about this?

Obvious to who? Obviously your parents aren't seeing it the way you do, otherwise they'd be more inclined to listen. The question I'd be wondering were I in your position, is how does someone experiencing a delusion know that it is a delusion?

[AlexTheSane]

No offence, but you do come off as a bit paraniod. Obviously I don't know the exact situation because all I know is what you've described to me; I haven't observed it myself. But your reaction of "get rid of him and burn his stuff" seems quite extreme.

[KayleeSaeihr]

In Australia there is a telephone mental health help line called 'Lifeline'. Essentially counselors over the phone. Maybe there's an equivalent in your area EJA?

[EJA]

Obvious to who? Obviously your parents aren't seeing it the way you do, otherwise they'd be more inclined to listen. The question I'd be wondering were I in your position, is how does someone experiencing a delusion know that it is a delusion?

They don't have to live with it, and I do.
My grandmother actually was suspicious - she called me one time after she was over at our house for something and was like, "is your father okay? He was smiling at you the entire time and you were hiding your face" (of course denied it all); but everyone thinks she's going senile anyway so they wouldn't believe her either. She's said a lot of...well, out-there things, but this is one of the first that actually made sense to me.

No offence, but you do come off as a bit paraniod. Obviously I don't know the exact situation because all I know is what you've described to me; I haven't observed it myself. But your reaction of "get rid of him and burn his stuff" seems quite extreme.

Okay maybe it was a little extreme (I edited it out just now), but I just meant get rid of it, or completely remove me from being anywhere near any of his stuff; I can't look at the chair he always sits in because it reminds me of him; same for his clothes, and I can't sit on his side of the bed because I know that he's slept there.

In Australia there is a telephone mental health help line called 'Lifeline'. Essentially counselors over the phone. Maybe there's an equivalent in your area EJA?

I'll look into that, thanks.

[Gwydion]

First off I agree with Error. Do research shrinks in the hopes of finding one you like. Then tell your mother your really need to see a therapist again and that you have contact info already.

I have lost track, so I must ask, are you autistic? I ask because some people with SID and autism have reactions like that. You response to the invasion of your space sounds a lot like one common in SId and autism. Sometimes repeatedly overwhelming someone this way can cause a specific aversion to the person doing it. Again, I'm totally not claiming this is what's going on, but it's worth eliminating as a possibility. I know there are several Aspger's/HfA folks on this board.

[KayleeSaeihr]

I'm Autistic. And if I put myself in EJA's situation (difficult for an Autistic (theory of mind) heh) I can see how easily I could get to EJA's point if someone I knew was always invading my space. It's possible...But something that would warrant further investigation before rushing to any conclusions (like most things)