Which Do I use?

[Kale]

I never know which restroom to use. I try to avoid it whenever I can, but sometimes I'm not sure which I'm supposed to pick. I don't have tons of confidence when I use the women's restroom. However, I'm not comfortable using the men's restroom either. I know a lot of genderqueer people like me have the most anxiety about bathrooms, so which should we pick? For me, one of the issues is semi-public restrooms. These restrooms would be places like a club that you're a member at. You know some people there, but there are a lot of people there that you don't know. If I've introduced myself known as one gender to everyone I know there and start using the restroom of the opposite gender, I might run into a friend which becomes a tough scary situation, or get glared at by a stranger for being in the wrong restroom. Most situations I've been in have been humiliating. I don't really know what I'm supposed to do when I get "caught." I don't know if I should just tell everyone I meet or already know that I'm not sure about my gender. Plenty of people tell me to just go by what's under my pants, but when I do, I don't pass. When I go by how I feel that particular day, I don't always pass for that either. I don't pass for either side, because I look androgynous, with a mix of traits from both sides. What's the best option for me, or ways for me to feel better/more confident in the restroom?

[KlydeAugustusNero]

If you look really androgynous, use whichever bathroom you want. People won't know what's in your pants unless you tell them. Even if they say they "know", they're full of crap. Next time you get a glare for being in the wrong bathroom, don't look that the glaring person. Just keep walking and do your business in whichever bathroom you want.

We look like a male at speech meets, so we wait till the blokes and girls we know are in a round, and then we use the men's room. We figure they ain't gonna know what's in our pants, so it won't really matter, right? We're gonna make ourselves look androgynous at school next year so we can sneak into whichever bathroom (maybe).

Part of your problem might be your nervousness. Is the nervousness clear in the expression on your face? Try to keep a calm face, expressionless if you must. It is similar to how when you walk into a building, if you look like you know where you are going, no one will ask questions. Appear natural and calm and things will most likely go smoother.

[Kale]

Thanks a ton. That helps boost my confidence a bit.

[confuzzled1982]

One trick that could be used would be taking advantage of the social rules surrounding the male restrooms - DO NOT LOOK AT ANYONE! This means they will not look at you either. The only recognition of other occupants is so you don't run into each other, and if occupancy is low enough, there are unusued urinals between everyone in there. (for those standing)

Note that this advice does not apply in certain situations/locations such as gay bars, as the rule is sort of based around society's homophobia.

[Peaceful_Pigeon]

I always thought this would be more of an issue in terms of sexuality than anything else. I'm bigender but I'm attracted to girls so I'd use the men's room (I'm biologically male) and I'd feel like I was intruding in the women's toilets, although obviously I wouldn't actually find it in any way sexual.

But I don't know really - is it the presence of those who might find you attractive that bothers people in restrooms or is it the presence of those who don't share your sexual organs? It seems sort of silly either way tbh and I wouldn't have any problem with sharing (except men pee on the seats so maybe I would rather use the women's toilets).

See... if it's the first and you're worried about people perving on you, well that's what a cubicle is for. And obviously with homosexual men and women, not sharing toilets with folk who are sexually attracted to your kind is not a guaranteed thing anyway. If it's the second and you're worried about people with different genitals being in the same toilet as you, I just don't get that. It happens in every household across the globe.

Anyway... I seem to have just confused myself more than I was before I began to reply so ignore me but I'll post anyway in case it inspires anyone else to come up with something sensible! lol

[venla-eerik]

There really isn't an objective answer to you question. Cisfolk don't know where they'd prefer trans to pee. They might say that go with your genitals, but be a lot more comfortable with people looking like their gender using their bathrooms. So in the end of the day it's up to you.

If I get "busted" using the wrong bathroom, I just act like I have the perfect right to use the said bathroom and everybody else are just acting silly. Have worked for me.

[Alder]

I'm starting to wonder this myself at time. I don't often pass as male, and it's natural for me to just go directly to the female toilets since I've been doing it so long.. but as I'm becoming more and more androgynous I'm becoming more and more worried about offending some poor soul. Even if I'm well aware that men don't generally care about a chick in the toilets with them, and if they're drunk men then you can be scrubbing the urinals and they'll just whip it out and go with you in plain view(even with a closed for cleaning sign -sigh-)

I prefer the public places with the unisex bathrooms for sure since then there is no social stigma on which one I choose, and I'm getting close myself to 'braving' the mens rooms when I feel inclined since if it's sanitation issues, neither gender is cleaner than the other.


So, my advice to you would mirror already given advice, just act like you belong there. It's a rule that applies everywhere body language is the biggest factor in people reacting to you and confidence or lack there of is a big give away on if you 'belong' somewhere or not.

[dkas2929]

Kale,
My advice is pick a stall that has a door. If you look gender neutral no one is ever going to know. Go in take care of business
wash your hands and leave. Public restrooms are not fun for anyone so don't sweet it.