I'm 23, and I realised only two weeks ago that I'm not a straight woman as I thought in my whole life, but a masculine androgyne who's attracted to men/masculine people. (In the moment I identify myself as this, but I often recognise genderless features in myself as well. I'm looking forward to what identity I'll I settle with
I guess it took me so long to see the reality, because I have a 100% female body and I'm 100% attracted to males, so it didn't ever occur to me that I wasn't really a regular though very unfeminine woman. I feel a bit ridiculous since I realised it, because the signs were SO obvious...
Some of them:
- I've never felt feminine at all. I can much more identify with the "can do" masculine attitude, than the cute, laid back, adaptive feminine attitude.
- I haven't really had female friends because I don't know how to relate and behave with them. It feels a bit awkward, the same as with children, I just simply don't know "what to do with them" D:
- Because of this, I've always hung out with guys, and also, I've had geeky interests and hobbies. Celebrities and fashion just couldn't interest me, instead I was pc gaming and roleplaying a lot.
- I've worn unisex/male clothes most of my life, for comfort. I never ever wore make up (except for 'prom night'), I can't identify with spending time and money to put messy toxic stuff on my face to look more feminine
In the past 5 years since graduation, mainly due to my mother's and sister's pressure, I tried to adopt a more feminine clothing style, expecting that I'll feel and be more feminine because of it. Needless to say, it didn't happen
Since I realised that I'm not a woman at all, I can't even think about wearing my feminine clothes... Ew D:
- I was always outraged when someone told me to do things or behave in a given way because I'm a girl. At that time me and my family took this only as a strong sense for right and equality.
- I don't like my breasts, they are only bothersome and restrict me in freedom of movement. I'm almost absolutely sure that I'll have top surgery.
- I always felt repulsed by the idea of pregnancy and giving birth. Like some parasite is growing inside the person, which has to be 'removed' with huge pain...
- I've been always fascinated with the male body and envied that guys have penis and flat chest and I don't
- When I watch porn, it's always gay porn, as I'm instantly turned off when I see women genitals in close-up
- I often fantasized about being with a guy as a guy, but I shrugged those off as mere fancy fantasy.
- I once told someone, that if I wasn't a woman, I'd be a gay guy
And no, I didn't have the slightest idea about it at that time... I feel so stupid D:
- A few months ago I took BBC's Sex ID test, and as I remember it gave the result that my brain is 75% male, 25% female. Still had no clue
So, when all the stuff clicked together (thanks to MeikoEliasXavier on YouTube
) I was shocked, but it also felt so RIGHT. Now I'm still exploring my gender identity, but I feel I'm tons closer to my true self than before.
A bit awkward that I've always took pride in knowing myself very well, and voilà... A self-slap on my face...
Oh and I'm still in the closet, as I'm living with my ex-boyfriend-now-only-friend in a tiny flat due to financial reasons and I know he's very repulsed by the idea of transgendered people
I can't wait to have at least my own room, it'll happen in August if all goes well.