Sexuality worsening dysphoria

[Ryles]

I'm sure a lot of you are aware as I hardly try to keep it a secret, but I'm asexual. Repulsed, the thought of anyone doing it grosses me out and, might I add, still does. Well, somehow being in love changes how I feel about me wanting to do that. So I'd like toa pologize to anyone I might've insulted by being so grossed out by sexual things. I still am, but feel like a hypocrite now and probably should have apologized before, too. Anyways, here's my problem/question/situation/thing.

I've been dating a guy online for about 4 months, and in the last 3 weeks we've met in person and have been getting close. Very close. Not sex or anything, I feel weird just being touched down there and am way too paranoid about pregnancy to let those bits get too close, but I've noticed that being intimate like that makes the dysphoria a lot worse.

If you asked me right now, or before, or at just about any point in time I'd say I want genital nullification. I don't want boy parts, packing feels weird to me, and I don't really want to be a "real" guy in the sense FtMs do. But when I'm being intimate with him, I want to as a guy. Even though I never feel the absence of a penis, I do occasionally when Layzar's cofronting so it wasn't a total shock, but that just isn't something I've ever felt myself. But I do during those times, it's painfully obvious what isn't there and I get this powerful feeling that it should be there. I don't like feeling like that, so even though I am a bit ashamed to admit I enjoy that stuff, I shy away from it before we start anything because of how it makes me feel like that. It didn't even happen when we first started doing things, either, only after something happened a while back that jarred my brain and made me really want to know what it felt like to get a blow job.

Has anyone had a problem with something like that? Or any advice on what to do about it? It's just new and creepy and weird and really depressing and I don't know what to do about it.

[Shadow]

When I was dating someone, going anywhere near my girl-parts was pretty much off-limits, as it kept reminding me that I'm not gender neutral, or a guy. I think it's because it draws attention to that part of my body that usually I can ignore/forget that it's not what I want.

I think my asexuality doesn't help either, as I'm slightly repulsed too. I don't have any advice about how to change it though, I'm sorry.

[Ryles]

Yea, that's the biggest problem. Don't know what you can do about it if anything. :/ Thanks.

And <3 firefly.

[Waylern]

How I tend to think about is, my chest is off limits, and my nether-regions just have certain rules. My chest isn't technically going to always "be" there, so I am unable to cope with it. As long as there's no penetration, I don't mind my lower half being touched. It'll always be there, and as far as I'm concerned, it's already a penis. Oral isn't okay with me, maybe when I'm post-op it won't seem so creepy.

I don't know how my coping method would translate though. I'm hypersexual, and while I've experienced asexuality, it was only because of medications and dysphoria. I guess, just figure out your boundaries, and set them. I hope you manage to figure it out.

[Yo'mumma]

I know how you feel.

I'm not asexual... actually, I have sex. Alot. I should stop it.

But even so, I find my genitals are generally off-limits, which causes alot of confusion. Because unless I'm in the mood, I get dysphoric from them being touched...

Yeah... dysphoria sucks.

[SkyEglinton]

I'm sure a lot of you are aware as I hardly try to keep it a secret, but I'm asexual. Repulsed, the thought of anyone doing it grosses me out and, might I add, still does. Well, somehow being in love changes how I feel about me wanting to do that. So I'd like toa pologize to anyone I might've insulted by being so grossed out by sexual things. I still am, but feel like a hypocrite now and probably should have apologized before, too.

what are you talking about? You shouldn't feel apologetic about your sexuality. It's ok to be attracted to something one day and not feel the same way the next day. It happens.

And you're not a hypocrite.

And anyone who did feel insulted by you are probably insecure about their sexuality (unless, of course, there was name-calling involved, which are the grounds for feeling insulted, but I highly doubt there was any of that).