I'm sure a lot of you are aware as I hardly try to keep it a secret, but I'm asexual. Repulsed, the thought of anyone doing it grosses me out and, might I add, still does. Well, somehow being in love changes how I feel about me wanting to do that. So I'd like toa pologize to anyone I might've insulted by being so grossed out by sexual things. I still am, but feel like a hypocrite now and probably should have apologized before, too. Anyways, here's my problem/question/situation/thing.
I've been dating a guy online for about 4 months, and in the last 3 weeks we've met in person and have been getting close. Very close. Not sex or anything, I feel weird just being touched down there and am way too paranoid about pregnancy to let those bits get too close, but I've noticed that being intimate like that makes the dysphoria a lot worse.
If you asked me right now, or before, or at just about any point in time I'd say I want genital nullification. I don't want boy parts, packing feels weird to me, and I don't really want to be a "real" guy in the sense FtMs do. But when I'm being intimate with him, I want to as a guy. Even though I never feel the absence of a penis, I do occasionally when Layzar's cofronting so it wasn't a total shock, but that just isn't something I've ever felt myself. But I do during those times, it's painfully obvious what isn't there and I get this powerful feeling that it should be there. I don't like feeling like that, so even though I am a bit ashamed to admit I enjoy that stuff, I shy away from it before we start anything because of how it makes me feel like that. It didn't even happen when we first started doing things, either, only after something happened a while back that jarred my brain and made me really want to know what it felt like to get a blow job.
Has anyone had a problem with something like that? Or any advice on what to do about it? It's just new and creepy and weird and really depressing and I don't know what to do about it.