I have no idea what I'm doing.

[AlexTheSane]

I'm not really sure where to start with this. I guess to sum it up I'm nowhere near as asexual as I thought I was. I mean, I still feel like physical contact like cuddling and hugs would be perfectly fulfilling, but I've generally stopped thinking of sex as kind of weird. I'm still not sure if I could go through with it, but that's all to do with my body issues rather than problems with the act itself. My aesthetic preferences have also stopped shifting. The past several months have been the longest uninterupted block of being androphillic that I can remember. I'm not sure, but I think two recent events have contributed to this change/realization/whatever it actually is.

One: I'm starting to acknowledge certain...inclinations of mine, in the D/s direction. I've always had some curiosity about it, but was too afraid to actually explore it (mentally, that is, I haven't done much outside my head). While not everything about it is necissarily about sex, it's painting a picture of sex that is more appealing to me. Some of this is due, I think, to the fact that my fantasies no longer force me to have a particular set of genetalia, my sex fantasies now match my regular fantasies in terms of my body. Even certain sex acts that I though of as just plain gross before seem ok in the context of D/s.

Two: I like someone. Not that I've done anything about it but mope and bemoan my lack of social skills. I've had crushes before, but this is more...extreme? Strong? I don't know. The last time I remember feeling this way was when I was thirteen, and I don't exactly trust my emotions from then. Add to this the fact that I hardly know this person. He's in one of my classes (or was, the semester ended and the most I'm garunteed to see him now is occasionally in the dining hall), and I'm basing all of this on some comments he’s made in class that show he’s intelligent, a couple of times that he made me laugh (again, in class [well, recitation] and literally a couple), and those pretty, pretty eyes. What the fuck is wrong with me? Anyway, I guess having a specific focus for my desires clears up some of the ambivalence, and pretty much explains the androphillia (I also have started to really like sweatshirts recently, take a guess why).

The problem: I am really not ready or prepared to be in a relationship. I don’t trust myself to handle it without making a complete fool of myself, I’m definitely sure I have a couple unrealistic expectations that I’m working on prying out of my skull. I’m dealing with personal shit, and I don’t want to force this on someone. And I don’t want a diversion/distraction/whatever from my shit because I’m already using a friend’s problems as an excuse to not work on myself. And the fact that I’m incapable of seriously thinking about talking to this guy without having a panic attack seems to indicate I have other issues I’m not aware of/acknowledging.

Then there’s the part of me that’s saying to stop being an emo shit and that all of that is irrelevant/pointless/an excuse. I don’t know, I’m kind of stuck. I’m not asking for advice here, because I’d probably ignore all of it anyways, this is just a brain dump.

[Jicragg]

I've sure you've heard this before but: asexuals do have sex. Not all but some do because sex is an enjoyable activity for some like any hobby. Let's say sex is like driving a car and different sexualities go for differnt modes of transportation, cars, motorcycles, segways, etc. Asexuals have no urge to drive a particular vechicle but driving in general is likeable.

I also understand completely what you mean about the D/s scene. I've had a serious look into it myself. I'm not sure how far you've gone into it research wise but I'm more interested in the life-style they take on. As for the fantasies, I can't read your mind, but mine have been that it's a reward. *coughs* Personally I would only consider doing something sexual in that situation but only to a limit. Asexuals can be into that scene, it's like any other life-style.

Apositive discussion on it: http://apositive.org/viewtopic.php?f=15&t=322
There's a BDSM website called Informed Consent which has had some open and comfortable discussions about asexuality. Don't ever think 'I'm the only one'. You're not.

You can have romantic relationships when you're asexual (bet you're sick of hearing that) but do you know about demisexuality and grey/gray-A?

AVENwiki on Demisexuality: http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Demisexuality
AVENwiki on Grey/Gray-A: http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Gray-A

You may or may not find those terms suit you better than asexuality.
There are different levels of crushes. Just as you have friends you like more than classmates. I firmly believe people get more beautiful as their personality shines through (but I'm a fluffy ol' romantic fool). Also: no forgetting that you can have crushes of admiration and friendship on people.

You're jumping ahead of yourself if you're thinking about serious relationships when you can't manage talking to the man. I know how you feel about fear of loading person poo on other people. You're not crazy and you won't burden people with it. I know you say you don't want a distraction but if you're feeling isolated and alone having somebody you can talk to about anything is great to have - you never know he might just be that. It's great that you're going a way forward. I'm sending you good luck with that. I'm hoping you feel better after letting that all out.

[AlexTheSane]

I've heard of grey-a before, but never really thought about it. I guess it fits. Where I'm at right now is sort of a "sex is good and all, but hugs and cuddles are just as good" with some caveats regarding body issues and low self-esteem.

As for the D/s note, you're right completely, even scening doesn't have to involve sex. A goodly portion of my fantasies don't involve sex (and some of them spefically have to do with not having sex...*coughs*). I'm just at a relatively early stage of exploration where everythings "sexy".

[nome]

Ya, I've found a lot of freedom in identifying as panamorous grey-a since it gives me all the room I need, whether I'm being completely non-sexual to.. well, as sexual as I get.

[vampyre_smiles]

Ya, I've found a lot of freedom in identifying as panamorous grey-a since it gives me all the room I need, whether I'm being completely non-sexual to.. well, as sexual as I get.

High five? I think that might be about where I am. Or my current boyfriend sexual.

[Ji Tusk]

Interesting that this is brought up.
I've had a look over the information about grey-a, and feel that's about as good as it gets when explaining my current state. My only problem is wondering why I'm in this state, and if there's anything I can do to be more content with my sexuality. I've become very androphilic from straight up homosexual man/heterosexual woman.

I am also discovering myself having fantasies in BDSM, but far too timid to explore anything outside of my head, especially with admitting to my husband than I've turned out to be a bit of a kinker. :p I know this is something I've got to get the courage to do though, it's rather important, even if I never plan on taking any of the fantasies outside of my head.

D/s actually happens to be a bit of my cup of tea, but also a little bit of S&M (or, well, violence fetish; brawling, bruises, blood, that sort of stuff). The latter is something I would never dream of doing in real life, and ironically I'm actually very fearful of pain.

Being bigendered, I have to say more of the time my sexuality is from being a man- I rarely get interested in sex as a woman. Instead, the only times I get sexually aroused are when thinking of man and man, and very rarely when thinking of man and woman from the man's perspective. Unfortunately I was not born with typical male genitalia, and I did not marry someone under the pretense of homosexual male sex. I do not desire bottom surgery, and I feel there are sufficient sex toys to not need a permanent change.

Though I am terrified of openly admitting this, and stepping into a sex shop with the intention of buying the necessary equipment.

[Jicragg]

Though I am terrified of openly admitting this, and stepping into a sex shop with the intention of buying the necessary equipment.

Welcome to the internet.

[Ji Tusk]

Though I am terrified of openly admitting this, and stepping into a sex shop with the intention of buying the necessary equipment.

Welcome to the internet.

Transaction details on bank accounts! D8

[Jamie]

One website I use comes up as something like... "bath trading products" or whatever, they tend to be really careful not to embarass people

[Ji Tusk]

I did not know that. Excellent~ >_>