Most stories I've read are about how people can remember they're different as far back as they can remember. In my case, that's not the case (or I was just a really oblivious child).
I feel I had a pretty normal early childhood. I grew up feeling content with who I was, and who I was growing to be. The only way I could tell I was different from the other boys was when I wanted to play, I played with girls. I didn't know or care why. They just understood me better than the boys. While boys were hitting each other and trying to see who's the best, the girls and I were playing happily in the pretend kitchen set in our classroom.
As the years went on, the activities changed. Boys started playing sports, and I sat with the girls and played those patty-cake like games (I don't remember what they were called. lol). It never occurred to me that I had no male friends whatsoever. To me, the boys in my school were just jerks.
But around 10 or 11, when I was in Middle School, I started to get.. curious. As I looked around at the older girls going through puberty, I realized for the first time that girls were really, really pretty. I wasn't able to figure out the feeling at the time, but I was jealous of them. That's the first time I wanted to be like them. So I did what most people in my situation did. When I was home alone, I went in to my mom's closet, found a dress that fit me, and tried it on. While the dress I picked out wasn't the most stunning (I remember it as being very ugly, but it fit), wearing it was one of the best feelings of my early childhood. As I walked around like a girl, I felt more and more that I was physically portraying who I was. But even then, I knew it wasn't normal. I was a boy. They were girls. I always knew that. But for the first time, the thought came through my head. "I want to be a girl".
So for a while, I waited. When I was home, I would find a new outfit to wear. Usually the same (There were only a few that fit me right), but I still enjoyed it. Until I hit puberty. My confusion with my identity, mixed with rushing hormones turned into what I view now as a disaster.
Suddenly, I didn't feel pretty anymore. I was aroused by it. I wanted it to be sexual. I won't go into details, but I went from enjoying it emotionally, to enjoying it sexually.
But around my freshman year of High School, my hormones calmed down. But in the process, I learned about the world of transsexualism. I realized that yearning to be a girl, and yearning to wear girlish clothing was a lot more than a sexual thrill. People were able to switch genders, and live out their lives as they wished. I almost immediately knew that this was it. I want to become a physical girl.
However, by this point I was no longer able to fit into my mom's clothes. The days of pretend were over, for a while anyway. I spent a year or so just wishing I was a girl. I never really got upset about it, but I was never thrilled with not being a girl. Last year, however, I found a good friend, and eventually told her my secrets. She made it her personal mission to help me. With her help, we went shopping for my first outfits, and, even if it was just the two of us, we hung out together, and I felt like a real girl.
The feeling was almost overwhelming, and suddenly it became very real. This is me. I bought more and more clothes, a hairband, make-up, etc. I had a small wardrobe of beautiful clothes that made me happy. But then came the time I'd feared for many years. It was time to tell my parents..
They didn't take it well. I was called a freak, and was told flat out, that while they were willing to overlook this one incident, it was never to happen again, or I would be out on the street. I was devastated. While I felt like I'd made progress, I had to start all over again.
And that's where I am now. Hiding in the shadows once more. Trying to make a decision. What's more important. The people who care about me, or my own happiness? That's what I'm trying to answer.
Sorry for the long story. lol. It felt good writing it all down.
I just joined, so I hope I'll meet some new friends soon. I posted my introduction, so I guess I'm all set now.~Sarah <3
