Can't decide if I should transition

[Paige]

I am in my late 20s and anatomically male. I have had no surgery and have taken no hormones. I feel that I would be much more comfortable with my identity if I were female, but I am really unsure if I should transition. I have been in therapy for several years now and am still unable to make a decision. I have no idea what to do to make a decision and am desperate to find a way to make one.

I often picture myself as female, and when I do this I feel great envy that I am not already female. When I see young women, I often feel jealous that I don't look the way they do.

I've tried crossdressing privately to test my feelings, but I don't seem to get a reaction. I like it a little bit, but not nearly as much as I've hoped. When I picture myself as female, the thought of being female feels so great, but when I tried crossdressing I didn't feel anywhere near as good. I've wondered if maybe the reason I don't feel as good as I'd hoped while crossdressing is that I still notice my male face and male body fat distribution while looking at myself in the mirror. My therapist suggested that I might be unsatisfied with crossdressing because I don't do other things like doing my hair or wearing makeup. I'm not sure what to do with my hair though, and I am not really interested in makeup.

However, I don't know how I can really know if transition is right for me. What if what I feel is different from what transsexuals feel? If that is the case and if I transition, then it would mean that I could end up feeling much worse. Lynn Conway's site has a warning page at http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/TS/Warning.html which lists a few examples of people who transitioned with regrets. Even though most people who transition are very glad they made that decision and have no regrets, I think that making a regretable decision with gender transition can be very devistating, so I want to make very sure that I don't end up as one of the few people who regrets transitioning.

If I persue transition, what I would do next is take female hormones. I want to be able to have my own genetic children some day. I am really not sure about this, but from what I have heard, it is possible that taking female hormones for even a short amount of time can result in a perminant loss of fertility for someone anatomically male. This means that I would have to store sperm prior to starting hormones. However, sperm storage is very expensive (which can cost from dozens to hundreds of dollars per month, depending on the number of samples I'd store). If I take female hormones, and decide that it is wrong for me, I could end up sterile, and would have to continue to pay high costs of sperm storage.

I understand that if I decided to remain on hormones, I would still have to continue paying for sperm storage. However, if I took hormones and stopped them, I'd be paying a large amount of money for what I currently have for free. If I took hormones and felt happy with the results, I'd be paying a large amount of money but it would be a necessary part of finally resolving my gender issues.

Something that has confused me is that when I feel envy upon seeing a young woman, I don't really know if I envy not having a female body or not having a female romantic partner. I have heard that some transsexuals have wondered to themselves, "maybe I'm just gay." I think this could be similar except that I am wondering if maybe I am just straight.

I understand that nobody can tell me if I should or should not transition, or if I should or should not take hormones. However, I have no idea where to turn to help myself make a decision and I don't know how to "test" myself to determine if I really am transsexual or if I am confusing my feelings for something else.

[omelu]

well before you decide to take hormones I'd suggest trying to transition more socially, if possible. You may not feel that what you can do without hormones stacks up to what you imagine being female would be like, but if you might get a better idea of your feelings if you could try presenting as female, or more female. I know that can be difficult because you probably don't want to test it out on friends in family in case you do decide you are just a guy because that'd be complicated and awkward. But maybe you could cross dress publically some place no one you know will be. If you go somewhere like a mall you've never been to for example and try presenting as female, maybe it will help you decide, though you mentioned part of your disappointment with private cross dressing is you think you still look male, so if you really won't pass, it's probably not a good idea. But you could try a wig and maybe some light makeup, or other things MtF guides might suggest to help you look more feminine. But I think trying on the role, as well as the clothes, might help you figure things out.

Also, your indecisiveness could mean that you have another gender identity like androgyne or bigender or something and that is why you are not sure full transition to female is right for you.

I think you need some more time experimenting before you make your decision.

Interestingly, some people on this board have noted that people they've thought they were attracted to really they just wished they'd looked like, so sorting out the difference between wanting to be WITH a body and wanting to BE that body is apparently harder than we're taught to assume. So, good luck sorting out who you are!

[Allosaurus2]

You can always be transgender without being unhappy with your body or needing to transition physically. If you think you would be happier identifying as a woman, go for it without worrying about hormones and surgery unless you decide they would be beneficial.

[Paige]

well before you decide to take hormones I'd suggest trying to transition more socially, if possible. You may not feel that what you can do without hormones stacks up to what you imagine being female would be like, but if you might get a better idea of your feelings if you could try presenting as female, or more female. I know that can be difficult because you probably don't want to test it out on friends in family in case you do decide you are just a guy because that'd be complicated and awkward. But maybe you could cross dress publically some place no one you know will be. If you go somewhere like a mall you've never been to for example and try presenting as female, maybe it will help you decide, though you mentioned part of your disappointment with private cross dressing is you think you still look male, so if you really won't pass, it's probably not a good idea. But you could try a wig and maybe some light makeup, or other things MtF guides might suggest to help you look more feminine. But I think trying on the role, as well as the clothes, might help you figure things out.

I already don't pass, so I don't want to go in public dressed as female. I also can't really travel because of disability.

I think you need some more time experimenting before you make your decision.

The problem is that it has been several years and I have not gotten any closer to making a decision, so I am afraid that more time and experimenting probably won't be enough.

[Paige]

You can always be transgender without being unhappy with your body or needing to transition physically. If you think you would be happier identifying as a woman, go for it without worrying about hormones and surgery unless you decide they would be beneficial.

Actually, I am not happy with my body and I do feel the need to transition physically. The problem is that I am not really sure that a physical transition will help me.

Some transsexuals have said that if they don't transition, they would rather kill themselves. My feelings are not that severe. If I could not transition, it would hurt, but I would be able to move on with my life.

[omelu]

Some transsexuals have said that if they don't transition, they would rather kill themselves. My feelings are not that severe. If I could not transition, it would hurt, but I would be able to move on with my life.

I'm don't you have to be that extreme for your desire to transition to be valid.

Have you ever tried presenting as female online? Its not at all the same as doing it in real life, but its the best I can think of for you trying the role on even though that of course doesn't help you know how you'd feel about your physical form. But if you are comfortable online being a woman maybe it will help you make the decision...unless you already tried that in which case is obviously didn't help.

[AlexTheSane]

I read the page you linked about regrets. I feel like they put too much stress on "transitioning for the wrong reasons" and reads to me to be a prescription of "real transsexuals". That's just my interpretation.

The things you should be worrying about mainly are educating yourself: what does everything entail, can you afford it/are you willing to pay that much, could you handle the negative social repercussions that result (none of which would make your desire to transition invalid, but you have to remember to take care of your other health needs too). More on the "is this right for me" and less on the "transitioning for the 'right' reasons/confusing it for something else." Because your experience will be different from another trans person's and if you think it's severe enough to transition then the "why's" and "right reasons" behind it are less important than the fact that you need to do it. (note complete and total subjectivity on "severe enough")

[Paige]

I'm don't you have to be that extreme for your desire to transition to be valid.

It doesn't make sense to me what you are trying to say.

Have you ever tried presenting as female online? Its not at all the same as doing it in real life, but its the best I can think of for you trying the role on even though that of course doesn't help you know how you'd feel about your physical form. But if you are comfortable online being a woman maybe it will help you make the decision...unless you already tried that in which case is obviously didn't help.

Yes, I have presented as female online. I also select female during role playing games. In both cases, I like presenting as female much better.

[Paige]

The issue that I have is not really that I might not be a "real transsexual". My issue is that if I do transition, is it possible that instead of feeling better about my gender presentation and identity, could I end up feeling the same pain that transsexuals feel? I think the warning page was about people transitioning and then feeling unhappy about transitioning (that is about transitioning being wrong for these examples).

I'm not sure if I can explain this very well. I think there are some people who feel good about being male and feel bad about being female. I think there are other people who feel good about being female and feel bad about being male. I think there are other people who feel differently from these examples, such as people who feel good about being something other than male or female, or people who would feel good regardless of their sex.

I think I am someone who would feel good about being female, and not good about being male. I am not sure about this though and I think I need to be very clear to myself about this before I transition.

[Paige]

I know that there are some beliefs in the transgender community that generate controversy, which are beliefs that some transsexuals are "true transsexuals" and others are invalid. Because of this, I want to make it clear that I am not worrying about whether or not I'll be a "fake transsexual" or "fake female". I am worrying about whether or not I will be happier after transition, or if transition will make me less happy. There is a theory that the brain has a sex which determines what sex the person wants their body to be. In the sense of that theory, I want to make sure my brain is female before transitioning. If I do transition and end up happy with transition, then at that point it would not matter if my brain is male, female, or androgynous.

[Lyn Aven]

Just for the record: The brain sex theory has largely been discredited; while there are statistical correlations to be found, there is no conclusive cause-and-effect relationship and counterexamples are incredibly common. (For instance, one of the common "brain sex" tests is a spatial reasoning test -- while it's true that males STATISTICALLY are more likely to perform better on spatial reasoning tests, many males have difficulty with it and many females have no trouble with spatial reasoning at all.) It's inaccurate enough and fuzzy enough that using it to make any sort of conclusions about one's gender is quite ill-advised: you'd never suggest a happy, comfortable ciswoman would be better off transitioning to be a man just because she happened to have results statistically correlated with males.

I definitely sympathize with your concerns, and as a non-op myself I can say that a medical transition isn't necessary for everyone. I definitely second AlexTheSane's commentary above.

[Paige]

Just for the record: The brain sex theory has largely been discredited; while there are statistical correlations to be found, there is no conclusive cause-and-effect relationship and counterexamples are incredibly common. (For instance, one of the common "brain sex" tests is a spatial reasoning test -- while it's true that males STATISTICALLY are more likely to perform better on spatial reasoning tests, many males have difficulty with it and many females have no trouble with spatial reasoning at all.) It's inaccurate enough and fuzzy enough that using it to make any sort of conclusions about one's gender is quite ill-advised: you'd never suggest a happy, comfortable ciswoman would be better off transitioning to be a man just because she happened to have results statistically correlated with males.

I definitely sympathize with your concerns, and as a non-op myself I can say that a medical transition isn't necessary for everyone. I definitely second AlexTheSane's commentary above.

When I made reference to brain sex, I was referring only to the idea that the sex of the brain determines a person's gender identity, not the idea that male brains are better at spacial or mathematical reasoning and that female brains are better at empathizing or temporal reasoning, or anything like that. I realize that that stuff is often part of the theory, but that's not the part of the theory I was referring to.

I also realize that, even if the brain sex theory were correct, that it would not be possible with current technology to determine a person's brain sex, and I would attempt to estimate it by examining my feelings about my gender identity and how I feel about my physical sex. I also realize that internet tests are bogus.

[Lyn Aven]

Ah, well, in that case it's sort of tautological -- one's gender identity defines one's gender identity.

[cerealk]

Im in pretty much the same situation as you. Although I am a bit younger, I have spent so much time trying to figure this out that I feel like Im missing out on everything since I cant go from boy to men and neither from boy to girl to woman.

Im sure a biological test for the brain's sex will be possible eventually, but its not available now. Even if it was, with the result going one way or another, I wouldnt be able to use it to complete my decision.

I am stuck for now though. It feels as if I am missing a piece of the puzzle, one that would allow me to view the situation holistically and finally make a decision. Of course, theres no way to be certain. We dont know what awaits us during transition or on the other side. Looking at it from a rational or emotional point of view doesnt seem to make a difference. And my intuition is of no help on top of it.

Anyway, if I ever find an answer, ill share. =)

[Lyn Aven]

I wouldn't WANT such a test to exist. It would become the de-facto gatekeeper for whether someone's "allowed" to be TG or not. If someone happened to test as "male" in this alleged "brain sex" but felt in every other sense that she were actually a woman, why should the result of one test invalidate every other experience that person has had?

[Paige]

Im in pretty much the same situation as you. Although I am a bit younger, I have spent so much time trying to figure this out that I feel like Im missing out on everything since I cant go from boy to men and neither from boy to girl to woman.

Actually, from what I read on another thread, I think you are in a very different situation from me. You said on this thread viewtopic.php?f=152&t=1959 :

I am not looking for the answer to "should I transition?", because the answer is already "yes" for me. Doubts will always be around, else I would question my sanity; transition isnt a trivial process. I just cant bring myself to start the process (ie telling people and contacting a therapist) and my gender seems to be one of the issues.

In my case, the answer to "should I transition" is what I am looking for. Although I would definately be anxious about beginning transition even if I was sure, what I really need right now is to figure out if transition is right for me.

[Ryles]

I can't really give you any advice on deciding whether or not to transition- but good luck with it.

I don't know if anyone mentioned it, but crossdressing might not have worked because, well, it's crossdressing. Pretending, dressing up, like a woman. Not being a woman. I've seen a few women who couldn't enjoy crossdressing because it was the exact opposite of what they wanted- they want to be women, they don't want to pretend.

I wouldn't WANT such a test to exist. It would become the de-facto gatekeeper for whether someone's "allowed" to be TG or not. If someone happened to test as "male" in this alleged "brain sex" but felt in every other sense that she were actually a woman, why should the result of one test invalidate every other experience that person has had?

Agreed.

I also have serious problems with the idea that only people with [gender] should be allowed to transition. It seems like the only reason gender is a requirement for transition is because cissexist standards of gender are being imposed on us. "You can't be a woman unless you have [X levels of estrogen, a vagina, want ovaries even if you can't get them]" and "Men can't want any of those things because "males" don't have any of that". Why the heck can't a person be a woman just because she's a woman, and why cant a men want a body he's comfortable in no matter what it is?

[not_quite_pie]

The issue that I have is not really that I might not be a "real transsexual". My issue is that if I do transition, is it possible that instead of feeling better about my gender presentation and identity, could I end up feeling the same pain that transsexuals feel? I think the warning page was about people transitioning and then feeling unhappy about transitioning (that is about transitioning being wrong for these examples).

I'm not sure if I can explain this very well. I think there are some people who feel good about being male and feel bad about being female. I think there are other people who feel good about being female and feel bad about being male. I think there are other people who feel differently from these examples, such as people who feel good about being something other than male or female, or people who would feel good regardless of their sex.

I think I am someone who would feel good about being female, and not good about being male. I am not sure about this though and I think I need to be very clear to myself about this before I transition.

Just throwing this out there, but have you considered that you might be neutrois? I've suffered gender confusion and thought that I was male for quite awhile, presumably because it was my mind's default answer to being 'not female' (I get a lot of pressure to be more femenine, which the men around me obviously don't). Presenting as male on the internet (where it's easy to do so) helped me but I was really as uncomfortable with the idea of being male as I am with being female. Physically presenting as ambiguous gender might be easier than going as female depending on your body type. Have you experimented with that?

[not_quite_pie]

Just for the record: The brain sex theory has largely been discredited; while there are statistical correlations to be found, there is no conclusive cause-and-effect relationship and counterexamples are incredibly common. (For instance, one of the common "brain sex" tests is a spatial reasoning test -- while it's true that males STATISTICALLY are more likely to perform better on spatial reasoning tests, many males have difficulty with it and many females have no trouble with spatial reasoning at all.) It's inaccurate enough and fuzzy enough that using it to make any sort of conclusions about one's gender is quite ill-advised: you'd never suggest a happy, comfortable ciswoman would be better off transitioning to be a man just because she happened to have results statistically correlated with males.

I definitely sympathize with your concerns, and as a non-op myself I can say that a medical transition isn't necessary for everyone. I definitely second AlexTheSane's commentary above.

It's also impossible to determine how much of the brain difference is developmental from birth and how much is environmental, due to use or lack of use (the brain is very adaptive); given cultural perceptions, it's quite possible that at least some of the brain and transsexuality cause-and-effect goes the other way.

[Paige]

Just throwing this out there, but have you considered that you might be neutrois? I've suffered gender confusion and thought that I was male for quite awhile, presumably because it was my mind's default answer to being 'not female' (I get a lot of pressure to be more femenine, which the men around me obviously don't). Presenting as male on the internet (where it's easy to do so) helped me but I was really as uncomfortable with the idea of being male as I am with being female.

There are times where I have felt like something in between male and female might be a comfortable identity for me. Usually when I have done this, I felt mostly female and a little bit male. However, when I picture myself as female, it feels very very good and I picture myself as having very feminine clothing, facial and body characteristics, so I wouldn't expect to be neutrois.

Physically presenting as ambiguous gender might be easier than going as female depending on your body type. Have you experimented with that?

I have no idea how I would do that. I also have a male face and male body fat distribution, so that would interfere with an androgynous appearance.