I want to kill him

[Gwydion]

It sounds creepy.

[EJA]

Edited this out.

[Gwydion]

Sorry.

How long before you can move out?

[EJA]

One year and half - I'm moving out as soon as I graduate high school.

[Recursive Paradox]

Is it possible to spend a lot of time away from home? Perhaps with a relative or a friend? This just seems to me like an abuse case waiting to happen.

[EJA]

I'm spending new year's eve away, and this summer I might be going away for a few weeks.

[EJA]

*UPDATE
My mom told my sister and my grandmom. She forced me to talk about it, because my grandmom is going paranoid and is adamant I'm being sexually abused. My other grandmom knows now, too. They literally cornered me for about 45 mins today and tried to force me to talk about it - I ended up nearly physically hurting my mom and on the ride home had to jump out of the car as soon as it stopped at a stop sign, because I just couldn't be around them anymore. I ran home.

Fuck. It's way worse. I also recently found out it's one of the main reasons my parents got divorced (they separated just before New Years, but I live alternating-ly with each and this situation won't change, even though I requested it)
Fuck, I can't take this. I know no one's gonna read this again or respond because the original post is so damn long, but...I don't know. There's nothing I can do and I don't want sympathy, I just need to write about it somewhere. And maybe in a few years from now when(/if?) I see a therapist about this and other stuff, I'll have a record of what I was feeling. Whatever.

[Luna Lovegood]

Fuck is right. This isn't roses.

You might not want sympathy, but please do feel free to write about it here. I hope that that helps. And perhaps others have had similar experiences and they might help.

Still, *hugs*

[Vibe]

Dear EJA,

I want you to know I've read through all posts in this thread today. I don't really know what to say to you, but I want you to know that somewhere out in the world are people who listen to you, read what you write and want to help you. Whenever you feel like writing here someone will be ready to read about your thoughts.

I don't know what happened or what you told your family members today, but somehow I have a feeling they want to help you. It occurs to me the only way to change your situation is to tell them about it. Maybe you will be able to spend some time with your grandparents to relieve the stress then?


Hugs
Vibe

[LeoNine]

Just as Vibe says above, I also read all of your posts today, and I have much empathy (though not from personal experience) for your situation. Would you clear something up for me, please, from the following quote of yours?:

*UPDATE
My mom told my sister and my grandmom. She forced me to talk about it, because my grandmom is going paranoid and is adamant I'm being sexually abused. My other grandmom knows now, too. They literally cornered me for about 45 mins today and tried to force me to talk about it - I ended up nearly physically hurting my mom and on the ride home had to jump out of the car as soon as it stopped at a stop sign, because I just couldn't be around them anymore. I ran home.

Why did you run from them/your mum? Why didn't you take this opportunity and tell them what you've written here? Or if you did, and please don't read me as being judgmental, why did you feel the need to hurt your mum and later get away from her? The reason I ask all this is it sounds to me as if you understand more about your father than you're admitting. If all this started five/six years ago, what triggered it? If nothing was obvious to you at that time, is it possible your father is displaying this behaviour towards you because something happened to him at your age back then that he's reliving now and is maybe not fully aware of it himself?
It's only a thought. I'm just trying to understand the bigger picture.

[EJA]

To everyone -- thanks for reading&responding; it is nice to know someone is listening.

I don't know what happened or what you told your family members today, but somehow I have a feeling they want to help you. It occurs to me the only way to change your situation is to tell them about it. Maybe you will be able to spend some time with your grandparents to relieve the stress then?

I can't tell whether they want to help or not - they most likely do, but I'm getting a strong vibe that they're curious above all. I won't be able to spend time with my grandmom, though; she's going old and senile and every time I go near her she talks about it. Every time. Before she even says "hi".
You're right - it might be best to just say it, but...I can't. I'm an extremely private person and am quiet in nature, so being forced to talk like this was metaphorically stripping me naked. I've already repressed nearly all of my feelings, and it's impossible to talk about it, and when I graduate and get out of here I'm just going to put it all behind me and try to never think about it again. At one point I finally just said "I'm done talking" and refused to say another word.

Why did you run from them/your mum? Why didn't you take this opportunity and tell them what you've written here? Or if you did, and please don't read me as being judgmental, why did you feel the need to hurt your mum and later get away from her?

1. Because she was trying to take me somewhere else - where she works or to go shopping or whatever - and I couldn't stand another second with her or my sister (who was also there). I told her that I wanted to go home and she said no, but I went anyway. I had to.

2. I didn't tell them for the reasons stated above, after quoting Vibe. I just can't.

3. I didn't feel the need to hurt my mom. I didn't want to. But after I said "I'm done talking" she tried to force me to talk and afterwards, while leaving my grandmom's apartment (which is where it took place), she cornered me on the elevator and tried to rip the headphones from my ears so I would talk; that's where things nearly got physical.
I needed to get away from her because that's what I do when I freak out about anything - I need to get away, lock myself in my room, and blast screamo music into my ears or something. Then I'm able to calm down.

If all this started five/six years ago, what triggered it? If nothing was obvious to you at that time, is it possible your father is displaying this behaviour towards you because something happened to him at your age back then that he's reliving now and is maybe not fully aware of it himself?

What triggered it: You know how everyone goes through that preteen phase where they dislike their parents? I went through that, and while my mom understood and backed off a bit, my dad started getting closer and closer - forcing me to hug him when I didn't want to, trying WAY too hard to get attention and get close to me, staring at me unceasingly, and it just escalated. Nothing happened in his childhood, he just didn't realize what was going on and now it's too late. Please don't make me talk about this anymore.

[Recursive Paradox]

The word "escalation" is key. I am firmly convinced at this point that if it isn't abuse yet (and I strongly believe it has already edged into the realm of abuse although not necessarily sexual), it will soon be.

You have an opportunity to address this now and you really ought to, for your sake.

[Vibe]

Dear EJA,

I don't want to unsettle you, but I can't help wondering about your sister.
Do you think she have experienced similar invasions of her privacy as you describe?
Could it be that the reason for the talk with your family was in fact her, not you, but that she needed your support to be able to tell about her experience?

Given the family relations you've described maybe she needs a second testimony for validation of her perceptions.

[EJA]

Recursive; I don't feel the need to address it - I can just live through it for a little more than a year, then I'm graduated and out of here forever.

Vibe; No, my sister hasn't experienced this. And the family talk wasn't a "family talk" - it was just my mom and me the first time, when she basically told me the divorce was mostly my fault, and then the second time was just my mom, grandmom, and me - my sister knows about the situation but wasn't there at the time (she went into the hallway while my mom+grandmom+me talked). I know he has been a little clingy to her, but since she's less of a private person and she somehow handled it better (she can be affectionate too, while I hate being touched by anybody and generally don't display much emotion) they have a basically normal relationship.

My mom regrets how severely traumatizing yesterday was for me. She tried to make it up today by being really nice today and also taking me shopping (though she won't let me shop in the guy's dept., so it wasn't that successful, lol), but I was basically unresponsive. It takes me a really long time to get over things, especially stuff like this. I do acknowledge that she didn't mean for things to turn out that way and that she's sorry, though. She wants me (and my sister) to completely cut off contact with my grandmother, who is becoming more and more senile and nobody can really handle her anymore - I don't really want to get into it. I don't mind, though.

[Recursive Paradox]

Recursive; I don't feel the need to address it - I can just live through it for a little more than a year, then I'm graduated and out of here forever.

A lot of awful things can happen to you in a year while you're living with someone who is either already abusing you or is right on the edge of it. Especially when things are escalating.

If it was three more weeks or two months at most, I'd say, "okay, just stay safe and stay out of the house if you can". But a year? You can't keep yourself safe and clear of him for an entire year. And the more you pull away the more he'll push. This rate of escalation could easily make it to actual abuse within a few months and you think you're okay for an entire year?

I really hope with every fiber of my being that I'm wrong but if I'm not, you just leaving this alone is setting you up for serious emotional trauma. Avoidable emotional trauma at that too. >.<

[Vibe]

the more you pull away the more he'll push. This rate of escalation could easily make it to actual abuse within a few months and you think you're okay for an entire year?

Dear EJA,

that is true. In psychology there is a theory about something called "the dysregulating other". The idea is that if a parent consistently misread your signals and/or ignores them the parent violates your space and makes you withdraw as you've described. Although not sexual this may be considered mistreatment and the effect (when investigated in new borns) are easily observed within less than a month.
The thing is that if you don't - in a very clear manner - addresses the topic the parent will continue misreading you, perhaps worry about your withdrawal and continue violating your space. This is not likely to stop even by moving away. Although the stress is lessened you might find him calling you way too often.

/Vibe

[Shadow Dragon]

EJA, I can understand you not wanting to deal with it directly, cause I'm generally the same way. However in this case, waiting could cause a lot of harm. If this keeps up, somebody (whether it be you or your dad) will do or say something that everyone will regret. So please find a way to confront him about his.

Also, that sucks that your mom wouldn't let your shop in the guys department.

[Estraven]

Okay, EJA, two things...

1. If you are having and enjoying fantasies about hurting someone, repeatedly, you need to see a therapist ASAP. I am not saying that you are crazy; I'm concerned about you, and disturbed by what's going on in your life. People can snap under the sort of stress you're experiencing. Echoing Recursive Paradox's sentiments - you don't want to let that happen.

2. What your father is doing sounds, at the least, like emotional abuse of a sort. Again, you need to talk to someone about this, and not just us on this forum.

So, I repeat... Find a social worker. Do not let this situation get out of control, for your own sake.

[vampyre_smiles]

I agree with seeing a therapist or similar. You don't have to be crazy for therapy to be of use. And in fact it's better as a preventive measure anyway. Think of it as a mental health tune up.

[EJA]

Recursive Paradox; I've kept myself 'safe and clear' for years already now; one more won't hurt. Well, not more than it already has. I'm pretty emotionally deadened already and I'm not sure if there's much more he can do.

Vibe; that dysregulating other thing sounds pretty accurate. So it's a real thing then, not just crazy, made up in my mind? Could you tell me more info on that or link me to a site that can? It's comforting to know that. Because my mom has been saying over and over how no one else is like this and it's weird and unnatural and so on. =P But moving out will make a difference - I'll change my cell phone number of course, so they can't contact me.

Estraven and vampyre_smiles; Yea, therapy would be the best thing. Unfortunately, we don't have the money to do that right now, and due to a past bad experience with a therapist, I really don't want to go to one with any parent (or even with their knowledge that I'm going). Maybe there's a way to do some sort of online therapy thing -- and if not, I'll wait until I can move out and then get a therapist. I was planning on doing that anyway to deal with the gender stuff.