I want to kill him

[vampyre_smiles]

Maybe there's a way to do some sort of online therapy thing -- and if not, I'll wait until I can move out and then get a therapist. I was planning on doing that anyway to deal with the gender stuff.

Your highschool might have a counselor and when you go to college, they should definately. It should be free as long as you can get appointments to see them. And there's no reason they would tell your family. Good luck.

[EJA]

Oh, yea - that's a good idea. I tried to anonymously e-mail two of the counselors at my high school, but neither of them would help unless I told them who I was. So, that idea quickly died =P
But all colleges have counselors, right? I'll save some money then, and I've only got to wait about a year. Thanks for the suggestion!

[Estraven]

One year might be too long from the sound of it... Look, I don't want to offend you, I just want to impress upon you that your health is on the line here. Maybe your mom would be open to suggestions about finding a therapist? In my experience insurance will generally pay most of the cost...

I'm sorry for nagging you like this... It's just that what you've said worries me a lot, and I don't think you should be waiting a year before you try to get it solved.

[EJA]

Hehe my mom isn't open about anything at all ^_^ She knows absolutely nothing about me, and is never home anyway (she spends a few days of the week with her boyfriend ever since she got divorced/going out dancing/working/whatever).

Don't worry, I'm not offended in the slightest, nor do I feel nagged.
The thing is, I don't think there's anything to solve. It is what it is, and the only solution is to get away from it completely. Personally, I'm just fine with waiting a year (because I have to be fine with it), but I do understand what you guys are saying. I will look online for some sort of therapist, and maybe there'll be some way to pay for one online or through a phone or something.

[Recursive Paradox]

Recursive Paradox; I've kept myself 'safe and clear' for years already now; one more won't hurt. Well, not more than it already has. I'm pretty emotionally deadened already and I'm not sure if there's much more he can do.

On the contrary one more can do more than hurt. What you're experiencing right now is a low key level of abuse (imo). It is steadily worsening. You already seem to have some trauma from it but you are utterly mistaken if you believe that a person can have a certain amount of trauma and become immune.

The more things he does to you, the more he will emotionally deaden you, worsen your paranoia, lower your self esteem or actually cause a more severe issue like PTSD if this abuse switches to heavily physical abuse. A year is a long time. 12 months, over 48 weeks, 365 days. Over a period of three hundred and sixty five days, this will continue to escalate. You know this and we know this.

How much further can you imagine it going? At a certain point the abuse will switch gears and go into areas you aren't even close to prepared for. And you're facing twelve months of waiting for it. Not to disparage your own abilities, but you haven't done a terribly good job of keeping yourself safe here. Mostly because you can't keep yourself safe in an abusive situation. There's simply no way. You are automatically vulnerable simply by being in the situation. How long before he locks you in a room with him and forces you to sit close by for a long time? How long before the frequency of forced affection goes beyond the level you can handle? How long before he starts limiting when you can go out and leave the house just to keep you from pulling away? An abuser will strip every defense from you while the abuse goes unaddressed.

If you don't find a way to address this, through therapy, or intervention from authorities, then you will not be "safe and clear" and you will be hurt worse than you have been. These are guaranteed.

Letting it go will only succeed in emotionally injuring you further, perhaps even permanently.

[Kass-ID]

I think one of the best easiest therapies you can do is keep coming on this board and updating and venting on the situation. We may not be professional counselors ( yet ) but we can listen to your concerns, validate your feelings and offer feedback, which is the core of most therapy. Professional and dedicated therapy would help as well, but in the meantime talking on this thread could be really helpful.

And as to you being "crazy" or making it all it, it doesn't really matter in the end. (I don't think you're crazy) You are cleary hurting because of the situation and that is the issue that should be addressed.

[EJA]

Recursive Paradox; What you said, that...that had an effect.

Mostly because he has done that stuff before - not locking me in a room etc., but when I'm forced to talk with him he'll sometimes force me to look at him while I'm talking, or he'll make me say stuff, and keep talking just to keep the conversation going when I obviously don't want it to. It's like he's talking to a young child or a dog, he'll be like "Say thank you" (for, idk, driving me somewhere or whatever), and I'll say thank and you he'll be like "Thank you WHAT?", and I'll have to look him in the eye while saying "Thank you Dad" slowly and loudly. Then I have to run to a bathroom and flush out my eyes with water for a good solid minute or two. He also talks much more loudly in my presence because he knows how much it bothers me, and..I'll stop going on and on about it now..

I think you're right. I can't go to a therapist with my parents knowing, but I'm looking online right now to see if there's some form of e-mail, phone, whatever. Because even though it'd be incredibly difficult, I really do need to talk to a professional; you guys have helped me realize that.

Kass-ID; Even though I'm really good at just keeping stuff inside, it doesn't mean I like to. So you're 110% right - it does help to just talk about it here. A lot.

[Psychopomp]

In response to what Recursive Paradox said:

Isn't that the truth. I had to face similar shit. My biological father is a wife-beater. Started out with him just being an ass and being controlling ('his' wife, 'his' kids, 'his' house... blah blah blah). Ended up turning physical. Sadly, my mom moved out when that started. I say sadly because then he moved on to me.

Once he attacked me and then kicked me out of the house in the middle of the night, in a rural area, in the dead of winter, wearing nothing but jeans, a t-shirt and sneakers. I live in the northeast, the winters here are brutal. He turned the police against me by saying I was a runaway, effectively shutting off my only way of seeking help.

EJA, have an escape plan ready in case things suddenly turn worse. Have a bag with some clothes, a few dollars, maybe some food, stuff like that. Know where you can go if you have to leave at the worst of times. Don't be afraid to go if you think you're in physical danger.

[Gwydion]

Abuse tends to escalate if the abused person looks to be leaving.

You have said they are having a divorce. Is he moving out?

[Recursive Paradox]

Recursive Paradox; What you said, that...that had an effect.

Mostly because he has done that stuff before - not locking me in a room etc., but when I'm forced to talk with him he'll sometimes force me to look at him while I'm talking, or he'll make me say stuff, and keep talking just to keep the conversation going when I obviously don't want it to. It's like he's talking to a young child or a dog, he'll be like "Say thank you" (for, idk, driving me somewhere or whatever), and I'll say thank and you he'll be like "Thank you WHAT?", and I'll have to look him in the eye while saying "Thank you Dad" slowly and loudly. Then I have to run to a bathroom and flush out my eyes with water for a good solid minute or two. He also talks much more loudly in my presence because he knows how much it bothers me, and..I'll stop going on and on about it now..

I think you're right. I can't go to a therapist with my parents knowing, but I'm looking online right now to see if there's some form of e-mail, phone, whatever. Because even though it'd be incredibly difficult, I really do need to talk to a professional; you guys have helped me realize that.

Thank you. I hope that whomever you find can help you get out of this situation or eliminate it.

For personal reasons, I might need to take a bit of a break from this thread. I'll be around.

[EJA]

You have said they are having a divorce. Is he moving out?

They do this weird switch thing where one week one of them stays in the house with me while the other one stays in an apartment downtown, and then they switch. So half the time I live with him and half the time I live with my mom.

Psychopomp; that's a really good idea. I doubt I'd leave anytime soon, but maybe for the future. Thanks.

Recursive Paradox; All right. Thanks so much for your help.