Facing Myself

[FantasyFan]

Disclaimer: I've been trying to work out what I wanted to say, to ask, here, for a while now. At first, I was nervous, seeing as I was(and still am) a new poster here, and I didn't(and still don't, for the most part) know any of you. After reading so many of your posts, though, I've gotten a little more comfortable, so I've decided to just wing it and hope for the best.

Edit: I sorta lost myself, so I didn't realize how long this was until after I posted it, sorry about the length

I'm a really private person by nature. I've been shy around other people for as long as I can remember. It takes me a while to get comfortable in a new situation to the point where I can start talking to people. Sometimes it never happens, and I just sorta sit back in the corner and hide until it's over. I think a lot of this had to do with my feelings as a little kid. I've always known I was different from everyone else, but for a long time, I couldn't figure out why. School was really rough because of this. I didn't fit in with the other kids, and when you go to a private grade school, with the same tiny class every year, once you get labeled as something, it sticks. I don't know why, or when exactly, but some time during 3rd grade I was labeled the best kid to bully, and my peers proceeded to make my life a living hell for the next 5 years.

At first, I had always just been myself. I did things the way I knew to do them. Once the bullying started, I began to watch the people around me. I thought that maybe if I acted like them, instead of like myself, they would be nicer to me. That was the first time I put on a false identity to get me through. Sadly, I failed at it, not being able to hide my true nature since I was just a kid and didn't have any patience or self control.

Then, in the beginning of 6th grade, something happened. I don't really know what the spark of epiphany was, since I've blocked out the majority of my junior high years from my memory, but that was when it dawned on me. The reason I had always felt different wasn't just the way I acted, it was that my body felt wrong. Initially, it wasn't a cut and dry, "I'm a girl in a boys body," but more of a "I feel like a girl and a boy at the same time." I was attending a catholic school at the time, so the thought of this really blew my mind. That was what caused me to harden, that was the key that locked away my soul. I knew that thoughts like that would only make me more weird, more of a target for the incessant teasing I dealt with on a daily basis, so I locked it, my true self, away, in the deepest corners of my mind. Of course, now I realize how big of a mistake that was.

7th grade was, in all reality, hell. That was the year I snapped. There were days where I was honestly suicidal. Sometimes it was the other kids, sometimes it was my gender issues, but at that point, I had pulled myself deep inside my shell. I didn't open up to anyone. Eventually, I was diagnosed with Juvenile depression, and was put on Welbutron(in addition to the concerta I had just started to deal with my ADD) and entered into counseling. That helped me some, I could talk to my psychologist about lots of things, school, the other kids, my family. The only thing I could never tell her was the way I felt inside. I couldn't bring myself to put the thoughts into words. Instead, I fell back on secret, midnight trips to the bathroom where I would discretely try on my little sister's underwear and clothes(we're only a year apart, and weren't very different in size at the time) though I do look back on that now with a twinge of disgust. Not at my action of wearing women's clothing, more the thought of wearing my little sister's clothing.

I sank deeper, even then thinking of myself as disgusting. I couldn't control the compulsions to do it, and I couldn't tell anyone about it, because good catholic boys would never do such a thing. I didn't want to get in trouble, I've always been like that, going out of my way to not bring negative attention to myself. That year was awful, but it really changed my life forever.

I say but, because the end result of surviving that year was a new found control over myself. At some point, I realized that no all merciful, ever loving god would let me be treated with such hatred, and I lost my faith. Obviously, it was another secret I couldn't tell anyone. They could boot me out of the school for it, and it would just lead to more verbal and mental abuse. I had to harden myself, now knowing that no one was watching my back. This is when everything really started to turn around. I had developed a small spark of self-confidence, something that I had never had before.

I went into 8th grade thinking I was ready to face them head on. Unfortunately, I wasn't quite as ready as I hoped, still not dealing well with the others. I survived the year though, doing my best to make sure it wasn't as bad as the previous one. I feigned interest and belief in the nonsense they spouted in my religion class, thinking that if I let them know that I didn't believe their lies any more, they would make my life a living hell again. But I managed get through in one piece.

My parents and I decided that I needed to get away from the kids who had made my grade school life hell, so I was enrolled into the local public school. I started my freshman year with a demeanor much like I had in the past. I was cold, shy, and uncomfortable, like any freshman, but there was more too it, since I was the new kid in a class of 500 other freshman. I didn't open up to anyone, I didn't make any friends, I just did my work and passed my classes quietly.

I managed to make a few new friends(a few being something huge for me, considering I had only one friend all the way through grade school) towards the end of first semester, and they helped me to come out of my shell a little. Second semester came and went, and I slowly began to open up and talk to people. It was so foreign, people liked me, they wanted to be my friends. I didn't like it at first, since I really didn't know how to BE a friend with someone, since I had so little experience to begin with. There was also the matter that, deep down, I was still questioning my gender, and that started to eat away at me.

Sophomore year was a lot easier, I made more friends, and I began to hang out with them. Rather than being true to myself, like I was in grade school, I decided to act the way the other boys did, and that was what got my through. I became another one of the guys, on the outside, laughing and joking and throwing out your mother jokes like it was no body's business. On the inside, though, I was torn. I had started to realize that the me at school and the me in my mind were two separate people.

Outside, I was a big, nerdy guy who could brush off an insult or a joke with no feelings toward it, and counter with a swift, witty remark. Most people never guessed my age correctly, thinking I was a year or two older than I actually was, so I rarely got messed with.

Inside was a different story. My mind was that of a shy, emotional girl who, while still nerdy, didn't enjoy the insult contests her outerself lavished in. I learned to watch people, and pick up on their mannerisms, so that I could fool the world, and myself, into thinking that I was just another guy.

Sophomore year ended, and summer began. I grew up a lot that summer. Even though I had friends now, I was still really pretty shy, and spent most of that summer at home on my own(socially, not literally). This time alone was both a blessing and a curse. I spent that summer really looking at myself. My inner and outerselves began to mesh together, the outer me becoming less of an individual side of me, and more of an act put on by the inner me. I learned a lot about myself that summer, and I'm glad I did, it was one of those times that really changes a person.

I entered this year, my junior year as a new person, really. I was cold, jaded, and emotionless on the outside. I acted in the way I knew people would expect me too, acting in a way that people would be able to live with. I had been different once, and I refused to relive that. I had friends now, and they knew me as my old, outside personality, so that's what they got. I was different though. I was a lot more of a thinker than I had ever been before. I would often day dream about what life would be like if I could just be myself, knowing that it could never happen. Not then, anyway.

The year progressed on at an agonizingly slow rate. I began to out grow my ADD meds, and my grades took a serious hit, as I couldn't focus my attention away from my own issues and on to my work and my classes. I wouldn't change this year for anything though. I spent so much time self-analyzing, learning about myself, I really came into my own as a person. I was no longer the angry little boy I had been. To the world, I became the mature, emotionless, logical thinker. I decided that it was the perfect way to let myself free, while still hiding the truth. Inside, I grew into a caring, empathic person.

Unfortunately, this was where my current problem really took off. My caring, empathic nature began to become over shadowed and overwhelmed by the act I put on for everyone else. I slowly stopped feeling any strong emotions, I don't get sad, or angry any more. I don't get happy either. Logic dictates my thoughts, and took over my natural empathy. I'm still able to understand how people feel, but it's a colder understanding, seeing their reasons for that emotion, rather than seeing them and just knowing how they were feeling like I used to.

While all this was going on, I some how managed to at least reign in my gender issues, and bring them under some control. I've realized that I'm not really a combination, as I really do feel like a woman. My body feels wrong, foreign. I don't see myself when I look in a mirror, I see some teenage guy. I'm fairly sure that I'm MtF, and I know for certain that I am not a heteronormative male.

You see, in the last week before school let out, a few things happened to me that really shook the foundation of my mind. I had accepted that I was becoming a cold, logic driven person, and I was fine with that. I know lots of girls and women who have similar personalities. During the last week, I had realized that most of the people who I spoke too on a day to day basis that year were girls. I had some guys I talked to, but in general, I was hanging out with, and talking to, girls at school. This messed with me, because I had put so much effort into becoming "one of the guys" to fit in, but I still surrounded myself with female friends and didn't even realize it.

Another earth shaker, was the first day I wore a ponytail to school. I had been growing my hair out for the entire year, as I find long hair much more comfortable than short hair. I came to school that day with a cleanly shaven face(I had a thick, curly beard for most of the year) and my hair put back in a low ponytail like you would expect on a guy. A lot of my friends that day said I looked like a girl at first, some trying to goad me, some just being honest, though thinking they might offend me. Knowing that no normal guy would let the comments slide, I played them off, acting offended, but in reality I warmly took each one as a wonderful complement. This messed with me too, as I had never felt the way I did when they said that to me. I was, honestly, giddy, at the concept.

The last event, was after school let out. I finished taking the ADD meds that were no longer very effective. I then spent the next two weeks drowning in a sea of my thoughts. I had discovered this forum just prior, so I spent a lot of time lurking and reading the threads. My world really was blown apart by some of the things I began to feel when I was, in essence, out of control of my own thoughts.

So now, I'm sitting here, having started a new ADD med that seems to help a lot. I've managed to focus my thoughts and bring them together, but I'm now in a rather awkward position. My whole self image has, essentially, been destroyed, by my new found emotions, things I haven't felt in nearly a year, and I can't figure out what to make of it.

Thank you for reading my sob story, and I apologize if it it's to much of a ramble to make sense of. I guess I don't really know what I'm asking. I do feel a lot better having gotten all of that off my chest though, since I said some things I haven't been able to really say before. I guess what I want to know is, when you had earth shattering realizations about yourself, how did you handle it? I don't even know what to do.

There is another thing I'm wondering about, on a somewhat unrelated note, that I would also like advice on. Due to the fact that I'm taking a new medicine for my ADD, I'm currently seeing a psychologist. Every time I speak to her, I just want to let go of my inhibitions and tell her everything, but I can't bring myself to do it. I don't know much about her beliefs, as we've never even come close to the subject in any of our sessions, so there's no telling how she would react if I told her. There's also the matter of not wanting my mom to know yet. I don't worry about whether she'll accept me, I know she will, but she has so much on her plate as it is, that I can't bring myself to add more to her worries by outing myself as transexual. The only person that knows is my grandmother. I talk to her about so many personal things that I felt she was the best person to talk to about this. I was right, as she is understanding on the matter, as best as she can be, though it's still incredibly weird for me to talk about.

Sorry, I strayed off from my question a bit. Do you think I should tell my psychologist? I've been trying to think about the possible effects of outing myself to her, but I can't think of anything but worst case scenario negative reactions that stem more from my negative personality than my interactions with her.

Again, thank you for reading this, I know it was a lot, and it basically turned into a tirade, but just posting it makes me feel a little better.

[KayleeSaeihr]

To answer your "Should I tell my psychologist" question, my answer would be yes. But I completely understand your fears, so maybe you could talk about a trans student at your school. Make it up, and talk about it to see how she reacts to it...

Your post was a good read and we share many similar aspects in our lives.

[Kass-ID]

Wow thanks for sharing that with us. I personally feel honored that you trusted us with all your history.

It's such a familiar story, I'm sure for many of us. In terms of gender ID, I think I've personally had three or four earth shattering realizations in my life. Each of them have stuck with me forever and fundementally altered the person I was and am. I think it's just part of life for me... I went from asking my mom if I could have been a girl and getting "you couldn't have been anything but a boy" which was meant with a lot of love at the time, but shelled me up, to truely understanding that I experienced gender differently, to telling other people that I understand gender differently, to know where I've talk openly to classmates about my different experience.

The way I've always "delt" with these big personal changes was to redefine the perameters of my life so that it would make sense again. I've always found it to be an opportunity to essentially change the way I see myself in the world. Not always for the better, but the opportunity is always there.

As to your psychiatrist, it depends greatly on two things: are they legally bound to keep your communications confidential and two do you have a more pyschotheraputic relationship or a more doctor-client relationship.

If they aren't required to keep your confidentiality, then I would personally say no. It's too great a risk to divulge to someone that is free to pass it on to your family. That's just my opinion and it would vary some depending on the doctor.

The second is a little harder to describe, but basically, do you see your doctor as someone that wants to hear about your problems or someone that wants to solve your problems. There is a big difference between the two, and psychiatrist tend to be a little more on the problem solving side. I would suggest not talking to someone that is more interested in fixing you than in listening to you, for this issue at least. Again IMO.

There are a lot of resources out there for talking about gender identity issues, and typing that sentence makes me think I should come up with some sort of list of them, or at least seek out and steal someone else list.

I highly encourage talking about it to someone else, even anonymously via phone or whatever. Getting it out into the open can be a very freeing experience.

[Kass-ID]

And now that I've found a list to steal, via WiG
http://www.whatisgender.net/phpBB3/viewtopic.php?f=163&t=1197&p=20300&hilit=resources#p20300
Good place to start.

[KayleeSaeihr]

I passed this site onto FantasyFan in the chatroom, but I thought other's might be interested in it also

http://www.genderpsychology.org/
"Madeline H. Wyndzen, Ph. D., a transgendered professor of psychology, discusses her personal experiences with gender dysphoria and critiques the mental illness model of "gender identity disorder"."

[Shadow Dragon]

Like Kass I saw a lot of similarities between myself and you in the story. Don't worry about rambling, afterall what's the point of a gender forum if people can't ramble a bit.

I say that you should tell psychologist about it. Even if they don't know exactly what to do, at least they could point you in the direction of a gender therapist.

Oh and as for your mother, I get that you don't want to upset her, but she'd probably rather you tell her than try to protect her, since it's caused you this much trouble.

[LeoNine]

I'm not an expert, but is it possible there is a connection between your ADD and your feelings about gender, FantasyFan? I imagine that if you're so frustrated with those issues, perhaps they are being portrayed as your juvenile depression and your ADD? If this is the case, and like Kass says, you can trust your psychologist, I would definitely tell her. If you can't do so verbally, perhaps you could make a printout of what you told us here and give it to her in a letter form. Just a thought.

(((FantasyFan)))

[FantasyFan]

Thank you all for your kind words. You've all given me a lot to think about.

I've been wondering if my reasoning for not telling my mom was really truthful, or just me coping out, and knowing myself, it's likely the latter. I think I may just not be ready to tell her yet. Honestly, for as long as I've been thinking about it, even as articulated as I can be with text, when it comes to speaking to someone about it, to saying what I know in my heart, and my head, out loud, I can't bring myself to do it.

I'm still not entirely sure how I managed to tell my grandma. I agonized over telling her for almost two weeks, before I finally managed to do it, and even now, about two weeks later, I still can't directly say it aloud. I think that once I get passed that, I'll be ready to tell her, but until then, I don't know.

As to whether it could be related to my ADD/JD, I wouldn't be surprised. I know my ADD has had a huge effect on how I thought about it, due to the way my mind works with and without my meds.

When I'm off them, It's almost like I'm drowning in my own thoughts. I'm constantly thinking, often 10 or more different trains of thought that I'm actively aware of, in addition to dozens more that dance in and out at the drop of a hat. It makes it incredibly difficult to focus on any one thing for long periods of time. The only real positive to this is that the constant flow of thought makes it incredibly easy to visualize things.

On my meds, I still deal with the constant thoughts, but I'm able to reign them in and focus on one ore two, as opposed to having my attention scattered between 10+. Sometimes this leads to hyperattentiveness, where I focus so intently on one thing that I block everything else out. That has happened on occasion when thinking about my gender.

As for the JD, I'm not as sure. I haven't taken my Depression meds in over two years, now, and I'm doing fine, for the most part. I'm not a happy person, but I'm able to, I guess the best way to describe it is cope, with feelings of depression a lot better since I've matured some. I don't truly know whether or not I still have depression, though I probably do, but I'm capable of not letting it affect my day to day life. I don't know how big a role this played in my Gender issues, though, because of how messed up I was during its peak.

[FantasyFan]

Oy, so, July, fun month. Pardon me while I vent, rant, swoon, and regale you with a story of how I learned a life lesson

prewarning before I type this: this is likely to turn into another wall of text, as it consists of multiple backstories that lead into the conclusive results.

About 4.5 years ago now, I started playing this MMORPG (Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game), FFXI(Final Fantasy XI), with my cousin. Initially, I was playing it to play a game, but it shortly after I started playing, I hit the deepest point of my depression, and it became something I could use to escape the horror that was my reality. I had already started to realized my gender identity before I started playing, but I was still denying it.

See, I had always had issues making friends, because of my abrasive personality and implied oddness. In the game, though, that kind of behavior was welcomed. I know you hear a lot about people complaining that MMOs ate their life away and hurt them socially, and they were worse off because of them, but for me, the exact opposite is true. Through the game, I managed to teach myself those valuable communication and socialization skills I had been denied at school. It really became less of a game, and more of a second chance at my life.

The people in the game had wide ranges of personalities, so I got to meet lots of different people from all over the globe, and it really shaped the way I viewed the world. I learned how to make friends, what kinds of people I liked, what kinds I didn't, how to talk to different people with different attitudes, how to make my own voice heard without coming off as a know-it-all, and a long list of other things that I doubt I would have mastered with out the game.

I went from linkshell(guild to those who play MMOs, social group to those who don't) to linkshell, meeting and befriending new people. After a while, I settled in with a group of people I really liked. I had joined that group at the request of a very good friend of mine, who had filled a sort of "big sister" role for me. This was when things were really starting to get bad at school, so I needed them for support. None of them knew this, I wasn't the type to talk about what was going on outside the game, but they helped to keep me sane. Then, about three years ago, something happened that I'll never be able to forget.

At the time, the woman who had invited me was dating the group's leader. They were really close, and I was close with her, so this event really fundamentally shook me. Another member of the group, who was a major drama queen, began some sort of assault on my friend's character(herself, not the character she played), and rather than defending his girlfriend from the obviously inane ramblings of the drama queen, the leader decided to side with the drama queen. This was all over some ridiculous rule he had about members not holding grudges against other members. Of course, this just happened to coincide with the climax of my depression, when I was at my lowest, so I was very, very touchy. I called out the leader on his actions, and he proceeded to belittle me because of it. I lost it. I went berserk on him and lashed out. That was the last time I really got mad at anyone. I ended up leaving the group, and to this day, I still haven't let myself forget it. I've gotten over what transpired, given that I've grown up some and can see that I didn't have all the information, but I can't let myself forget what he did, because if I do, I'll slowly forget how awful I am when I'm angry.

After I left that group, I joined the group I'm in now. For the first time. This was a group like I had never known. They were the kind of people who casually insulted one another, not out of spite, but just to poke fun at their friends. The concept was so foreign to me, and I was in such a bad way at the time, that I had lots of issues with them. Really, I was suicidal. None of them knew that, and I wasn't about to tell anyone. However, somehow, the three of them who really went at me managed to pull me out of my funk. Honestly, without their asshatery, I doubt I'd be alive today. They were the ones that, inadvertently, taught me how to take an insult, how to roll with the punches, and how to stand up for myself without sounding like a deranged emo child. Not right away, of course, I actually didn't realize that they had done this until more than a year later, but they did it. One of them has since quit playing, another now plays on a different server, but the third is now one of my closest friends. The reason he's my friend and the others aren't has more to do with their reasons. It turns out that he caught on to my issues with insults, and he was just trying to toughen me up. The other two were just assholes to everyone. Regardless though, I owe the three of them a lot. My friend(We'll call him E) is important to the events that transpired this month, though, so keep him in the back of your mind while you read on.

A little while after I joined the above mentioned group, I started doing endgame (high level events for rare and powerful items). The first group I joined was a real odd one. We did a single event every wed/sun around 4pm central time. They were a bit nicer than my social group, but still had the whole joke-insult thing going on. We were a well oiled machine, and I learned a lot about people and the game from the group. This was where I met my next friend, we'll call her K. She was a lot more brutal with people than the previous female friends I had. She and I sorta grew together, though I'm not really sure why, and she started to pick up that big sister role.

I'm sure by now you're noticing a trend with friends taking on the role of a big sister for me. I don't exactly know why this is, but I think it has something to do with the way my siblings are split up. I have an older sister, but I rarely ever see her(she's more than twice my age) and I really sorta grew up as both an oldest child and a middle child at the same time. I knew my brother, he was around when I was little, so I had a big brother role filled, but I never really had that big sister role filled, even though I knew I had one. I guess I just sorta project that missing role onto female friends that are older than me . Back to the backstory/reminiscing/rant then.

During my stint with this endgame group, I had a small falling out with my social group and left them for a time. I joined up with another social group that just both E and K happened to be members of. I was content there, and it ended up playing out as a decent place to escape the drama that was about to unfold in my endgame group.

Two of our leaders decided to take the bank we had all earned and hop servers. It left our group in shambles. Two people we had trusted had betrayed us. We ended up splitting into two new groups, not out of disagreement, but more out of time differences. We had been about 50% US/Canada players and 50% European players before the split, so after the split we ended up just dividing into those groups. I ended up as a leader in the NA group, under a longstanding and well respected member of our former group. He was cool guy. K came with me to this group as well. We managed to stay afloat, and all seemed well for a while, then another event I'll never forget occurred.

The new leader, a good guy all around, vanished. He fell off the face of the earth. None of us had any way of contacting him, and he had given us no warning before hand. It shook us fundamentally. We floundered for several weeks after that, my fellow leaders and I squabbling amongst ourselves now that our leader was gone, until finally, we gave up. To this day, none of us know what happened to him. It still makes me sad to think about it.

That event had a huge impact on me. I had been placed as 2nd in command, a sort of honorary position since I was the youngest member of the group, and none of us expected me to actually need to fill the role. When push came to shove, I couldn't do it, and I ended up buckling to the pressure and letting another leader take the reigns. After we went our separate ways, I really looked back on the event, and realized how immature I had been. Over the course of the weeks after his disappearance, and our break, I grew more, as a person, than I had done for years. The impact this had on me was really what lead to me stopping my Depression meds. Sadly though, it's been two years now, and I've yet to hear any news of our leader's fate. While the situation was negative, the outcome was positive.

After that, I took a long break from endgame. I went back to my new social group, and focused on enjoying the game as a hobby with my friends. That was when I stopped playing the game for the sake of the game, and started to use the game as a means to communicate and spend time with my friends. I grew closer to K and E in this group, and it was all good fora while. Soon, though, I started to notice things about this group's leaders. E and K did as well. They began to reveal themselves to be utter pricks, and we all became very tired of them.

Some time after I left my previous social group, the leader had decided to quit the game. A new leader, B, came to fill the role, and he did so right around the time E, K, and myself were becoming very tired with our group's leaders. We left them quietly to return to our roots.

Over the course of the last year, I've really come to enjoy hanging out with my friends in game. I've long since stopped playing the game for the sake of the game, and now enjoy it purely as a way to spend time with my friends. In addition, I haven't had to deal with the stress of school(high school has been much kinder than middle school was) so I've had more time to really put thought into my own issues, as opposed to the issues of my friends being thrust on to me.

I got really close with K, and E, to the point where they both have my cell phone number, and text me occasionally(given that they live on the opposite side of the country, and they text me more than my friends from school, that's big). In February, K had some issues with her husband. She confided in me about how she was scared for herself and for her young son, and informed me, as well as the rest of our group, that the two had gotten a divorce. After a few weeks, she and E started to get really close, basically becoming a couple. I was excited for them, as they had always had a sort of chemistry, and they seemed like a good fit, but in the back of my mind something felt off about it. I really should have listened to myself.

June was when I finally started to accept who I am. I was finally coming to terms with my gender identity. I had a small list of people I wanted to tell then, including my grandmother, who I told the week school ended, as well as E, K, and B. The three of them were all great friends, and I felt they deserved to know something so earth shattering before the rest of our group. I finally worked up the courage to tell E and K, I wanted to tell them together, but the day I had decided "I'm gonna do it" I was told by B to not talk to E about K. This baffled me. They had been such a solid couple, and they seemed so good together, I hoped that it was just some argument they had and that they would be on good terms again eventually.

The next week, on friday, I managed to work up the courage to tell E. We had a long conversation, during which I dropped the ball. He took it amazingly well, <3 him, and he was incredibly supportive. After I told him, he proceeded to tell me just what had happened between him and K.

E had moved several states to both be with her, and for a job. When he got there, he learned that not only had K not divorced her husband, but she was trying to get back together with him.

She had been lying to all of us. She used us. She used E. When I learned this, I was beside myself. I didn't know how to react, how to respond. I had known K for nearly 3 years. We had talked about all sorts of different things. She had been a friend when I needed it, and I had been a friend when she needed it. To learn that so much of what she had told me in the last 6 months was false, I was furious. More so than I had ever been before.

I feel so betrayed. To think that I was going to trust her with something so important, and then to learn that she had been lying to me like that. I don't get angry. I get annoyed, or I get furious. It's been a month now, since I learned the truth, and I've yet to confront her. It's been building up inside of me, to the point where it's starting to mess with my emotional control. Yet still, she has yet to even make the effort to talk to any of us, other than E, because she had to help him get back on his feet after his move.

It feels like I'm going to explode. I'm at my breaking point because the anger inside of me has no way of getting out. No vessel by which I can release the pressure. I have her phone number, and I have her AIM name, but I can't bring myself to use them. I want to confront her, but I want to do it where she has to face all of us, not just me.

I can't decide what to do, but I need to get it out of my system before school starts. I can't afford to try and interact with people when I'm this unstable. when I get this angry, I start to lose my grasp
on logic. The tiniest things can send me off on tangents. I know my rage, and it's not something I want people to see, but in the case of K, she deserves every ounce of it. My worry is that someone else will push my buttons the wrong way before I get my chance at K, and they'll get the full force of my rage, undeservingly.

But, after the emotional rollercoaster july turned out to be, I've come to a rather stunning (to myself, anyway) realization. I've finally started to really accept myself for who I am. In the past month, after I found out about K, I've stopped worrying about my gender, I've stopped stressing out over it. I've just sort of accepted it.

I'm not sure how much sense I'm making. I'm starting to ramble in the middle of the night again.

Oh, about my psychologist. She was just supposed to help make sure my ADD meds are working fine, but after our last session(I went on this same tangent), she seems to want to see me a bit more often. It's nice to have a 3rd party to vent to. I've decided that if I'm going to tell her, I'm going to wait until I turn 18 so that she can't legally say anything to my parents. She seems like the kind of person who would be open to the idea and willing to help, but I also can't be entirely sure that she wouldn't tell my mom about it, which i something I'm not emotionally ready for.

Ok, I'm done. Thanks for listening to my ranting <3

[Shadow Dragon]

Wow, that's horrible what happened with K. Sorry you got betrayed several times on FFXI. *offers hug* Though it's good that E took the knews so well.

Also, that makes perfect sense that your mind isn't obsessing about your gender right now. When someone has multiple issues going on, their mind usually focuses on whatever that person thinks is most important at that moment.

[AlexTheSane]

My opinion is that you should stop being angry before you confront K. If your anger is really like you say, you will end up doing/saying something that you'll regret later. I understand that she has hurt you and one of your closest friends, but yelling and screaming (particularly via internets) may have more negative effect on you than her. Don't brood over it, you say you can vent to your therapist? do it. Vent to us, vent to your notebooks, vent to inanimate objects. Once the screaming is out of your system, then talk to K. Someone calmly and level-headedly telling you exactly where you screwed up and what they think of that has a greater effect, and you are less likely to regret any of it later.

[Michellewhois]

My opinion is that you should stop being angry before you confront K. If your anger is really like you say, you will end up doing/saying something that you'll regret later. I understand that she has hurt you and one of your closest friends, but yelling and screaming (particularly via Internets) may have more negative effect on you than her. Don't brood over it, you say you can vent to your therapist? do it. Vent to us, vent to your notebooks, vent to inanimate objects. Once the screaming is out of your system, then talk to K. Someone calmly and level-heartedly telling you exactly where you screwed up and what they think of that has a greater effect, and you are less likely to regret any of it later.

This is great advice from Alex. One other thing you didn't mention is did you get her side of the story? Remember that there are always two sides. First, You said that you only heard his (E's) side of the story. Remember that is human nature to tell their story as the wounded party. If and when you finally hear both sides will you have a better idea as to what is really going on.

You told us that K was afraid of her husband but was trying to get back with him. That tells me that she might be like a lot of women that are in an abusive relationship. They escape but for some reason start to believe or convince themselves that their husband is the only one that will accept the damaged goods. She may also be the one that's the abusive one in her relationship (" This was where I met my next friend, we'll call her K. She was a lot more brutal with people than the previous female friends I had. She and I sorta grew together, though I'm not really sure why, and she started to pick up that big sister role.").

As for E, remember you only heard his side. He was the one that moved to be with her and a new job. So he may be telling the story as the injured party and not from a cold rational perspective. Have you thought that your anger stems from the fact that you feel closer to him because he has accepted you for who you are?

As for your psychologist wanting to see you a bit more often, it could be because you displayed such great anger that she is concerned. You may also want to ask her just what she can and cannot tell your Mother. Trust issues can destroy a patient doctor relationship.

[FantasyFan]

It's been a while now, but as of yet, I haven't had a chance to talk to K. The last few weeks have been a little hectic, due to a death in the family, but some how, that has managed to have a kind of calming effect on me. Though, I guess getting to play with a small child (my 2 year old niece) can calm anyone down.

I won't go on a tangent about the death, because I'm starting to feel like one of those people who come on to forums and whine about how awful their life is, and that's not me.

Thanks for all the advice though, it helped.

On another note, my friends are starting to scare me a little.

Even while presenting as male, not changing anything from what I normally do, my friends are still, some how, picking up on my hidden femininity, and using it to mock me in various ways, (obviously, trying to goad a response as teenage boys normally do), and even some of my female friends are picking up on it and questioning it. I purposely don't come off as Super-macho Manly man, I don't hide the fact that I write poetry, enjoy fine arts, and have no issues talking about my feelings from anyone, but I do carry myself in a way that most people find intimidating. Not that I intentionally try to intimidate people, aside from the usual freshman hazing, but more of a "Yes, I do that stuff, and no, I really don't care what you think about it." and my friends have always respected that. We don't poke fun at the kind of stuff we know doesn't at least mildly bother one another.

It's weird though, because I'm not doing anything different from last year, but after a week or so in school, more than half my friends have made some sort of gender-related joke towards me. Not over anything specific, more along the lines of "you sound like a girl" type insults. I know them well enough to know that they've picked up on something, but I can't figure out what it is.

I'm not out, and probably won't be for a long time, so I have to respond like they expect, (either grudgingly laughing and showing irritation, or countering with some witty retort), but inside, I'm smiling and laughing, and loving every minute of it. At least, until I remember that they're seeing something, and that's something I've suddenly stopped hiding from people. It's messing with my head

[Allosaurus2]

(As an aside, you certainly don't sound like you are whining about an awful life to me.)

[vampyre_smiles]

Sometimes slight differences in how you say something, or how you stand, or a facial expression can affect how people perceive you. A lot of communication are things people don't even pick up on consciously and they might be picking up your comfort with being more "feminine". And being teenage guys, think it's amusing or odd.

[Julie Herds Cats]

Dittos on on Vampyre said.

Also, sex and gender perception is determined a bit by a mental "vote". There is a lot of overlap between the ranges of male and female body types, as well as masculinity and femininity. You can change peoples perceptions by moving one of those things -- intentionally or not -- to the other side of some dividing line.

Mostly what seems to happen with people coming to grips with gender issues (same happens with sexuality) is a lot of the normal guards get let down and behavior in a more natural / authentic manner starts to self-reinforce. What you DON'T want to do is get into an argument over it. My mother used to argue with me about my thoughts / behaviors / interests when I was probably about your age. Arguing didn't do anyone any good, and I've not heard from anyone else that it worked out for them either.

Remember that a LOT of gender normals are insecure in their own masculinity or femininity. Engaging someone about yourself, or even about them and why they hold those attitudes, can get you in trouble.

[FantasyFan]

Alrighty, Update time.

The situation with K has mostly diffused itself, due to the fact that I have no contact with her any more, and the fact that E has asked me to try to not go out of my way (call her) to yell at her, because he still has to deal with her on a daily basis.

As for my friends, I'm ruling it, "It's high school, just ignore it" and thus far, it's working well enough.

On to the meat of this post now. I talked with my psychologist today, and it was pretty reassuring, though I need to give a little back info before I get to that discussion.

Yesterday (Sunday) I was at a good friend's house for his 19th birthday/(not) Going on Active Duty party. It was supposed to be his Going on Active Duty party, but his CO denied him. Anyway, there were about 10-11 of us there at any given time, though some people left early and others came late, and of all of them, I only knew 5 (The host, one guy who graduated last year, another guy that I hang out with, and two people who, shockingly, went to my junior high(fun times), that knew the host since they were little). For the most part, it was pretty awesome, we grilled burgers and then sat around a fire pit and spent 2 hours trying to get it to stay lit for more than 10 minutes (no good tinder around) before someone finally dumped half a tank of gasoline one it after which we just sat around and had various entertaining conversations.

Then, somehow, a discussion about Caster Semenya (the south african woman who's gender was put up to question after she won some track&field event), and the next 15 minutes that followed were filled with very ignorant comments, jokes, and insults directed toward the concept of being Trans (without actually outright stating it). The people who were dominating the conversation were people I didn't know (except the guy from Junior High, but he's always been an idiot), and since about half of the people there at the time were inside, including the host, I didn't want to start something. I ended up just sitting there silently, trying not to scream Thankfully, the subject changed and the night went on pleasantly, but the whole situation still stings when I think about it.

When I got home last night, I started thinking about my friend (the host), and some of the things we had talked about. He's a really good guy, and a great friend, to the point where I could probably trust him enough to tell him that I'm trans, if I could get over not being to talk about it verbally. I'm not crushing on him, but I started to wonder; If I had been born with the right body, would I be? He's gone through some really rough stuff in the last few months (his dad died, and then not long after, his girlfriend left him, and the combination made him really depressed over the summer, which explains why he never got in touch with me like he said he would, and now there's his CO denying him active duty, which he was really excited about), and I hate sitting and watching as he's getting all this shit thrown at him and not being able to do anything about it.

As I was going to sleep last night, I got hit by close to the worst dysphoria I've ever experienced. It was a combination of that excruciating conversation, and the thoughts I was having about my friend, and fulminated into a brutal depression like dysphoria that I haven't felt the likes of since I was borderline suicidal. I was up most of the night because of it, so when I woke up this morning I was so mentally exhausted that I decided to not go to school.

Thus brings us to my psychologist today. Yay for today, I'm happy
She picked up on the fact that I was pretty exhausted mentally, and I've been playing with how to tell her without telling her, to judge how she'd react, so I decided to just go for it. I told her that a friend of mine came out to me on saturday night, and that let me explain more authentically why the conversation on sunday bugged me so much, and in combination with seeing someone from junior high, lead to my depressing flaring up and keeping me awake all night. When it came to the "friend", she wasn't sure what I mean at first, because I purposely botched up my lingo a bit to make it seem like I wasn't totally sure what I was talking about, but she inadvertently made it pretty clear to me that she's at least somewhat knowledgeable on the subject of Transexuality (Like I said, I was acting like I didn't know much, just what I needed for the conversation, so when she said certain things that she probably figured I wouldn't understand, it told me that she knows at least some information. The one that forced me to hold back a smile was when she said (paraphrasing) "It's not something you can just treat, it's more complicated than that."). After some more stuff, I mentioned that my "friend" knew about how I was in counseling (It only made sense that someone who would trust me with something so important would have only done it if I had done so myself) and had asked me if I could find any local doctors who specialize in gender identity, which I've already done a lot of searching and have yet to find anywhere that's not forever and a day away, so I after stating that I couldn't find any online, I asked her if she knew of anyone. She told me that she didn't, but she would ask the psychiatrist(he's the experienced person in this particular practice, having lived here for more than 15 years, my psych's only been here for about a year) but also said that if my friend just needed to talk to someone, while she's never treated someone pre-transition, she thought either she, or the other psychologist there could talk with my friend and help them sort through it. So now I'm fairly confident that at the very least, I can talk with her about it and she can help me through it until I'm ready to tell my parents and seek someone who can help me actually start transition. I'm probably gonna tell her at our next appointment, and hopefully it goes well from there.