I'm out as genderqueer to all of my friends, but not to my parents or their friends, which isn't a problem except that they've known me all my life and I'm forced to still present female around them. When I was younger--like, up through high school--I had long hair. Down-to-my-waist long hair. Halfway through college, I cut it shoulder length. At the time, it was mostly because I was lazy and it was easier to deal with short than it was long.
Two years later, I'm still getting my parents' friends, who have seen me since my hair's been cut, making a big deal about how short it is. Which includes them going on about how it's "still pretty" and how "cute" I am with short hair.
Fuck. Thanks for triggering my dysphoria, guys.
It's not even that short. I want it cut about half as long as it is now--I see myself in my head, and I see myself with much shorter hair. There's so many things I want to change about my appearance, but the hair's gotta be the first to go--I like being able to pull it back, but I'm just feminine-looking enough that even with a ponytail, I still look like a girl. Doesn't matter what I do. I just...look like a girl. I hate this. I can't come out to them. My mom might accept it, but my dad never would, and I don't even wanna get started on my grandparents and what these people I have to be around on a regular basis would think. I can't come out until I move away for grad school, and then I'm going to be en homme all the damn time, I've decided. I feel more comfortable with myself when my chest is bound--and I have fucking DDs, so that's not even helping much--and I'm in costume for LARP. This is why I play guys. But even when I'm en homme, I still get people calling me "ma'am", because I look too damn much like a girl.
Christ. I'm so sick and tired of people telling me how pretty I am, and how cute my haircut is, and all this bullshit. But I can't say anything about it. Okay. I'm done ranting. Speaking of hating being female, this is what hormones and moodswings do to my head. I think I'm going to go scream into a pillow now.
aren't exactly people
...they're a whole lot
of people trying
to be one person
- F. Scott Fitzgerald Saturday:ze/zir Dameon:he/him Andrew:he/him Taylor:any Byron:he/him
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