So I'm coming into thinking of myself in male terms, it's not so much like anything on the inside has changed, it's more just admitting that this is how I've always felt and and this is what I've always wanted and just taking it slowly so as not to overwhelm myself, or feel guilty about it or suppress it because it always comes back.
Anyway, this means telling someone is on my mind a lot, but right now I feel like I'm stuck in a crap-ass non-accepting town where too many people know me, and I think 'would I make things worse if I told people?'
Distantly I'm related to a cousin (never met them) who supposedly is mtf, and my mum and auntie always make jokes about him(her?) saying stuff like he/she has 'mental problems', and not in a concerned way, but in a mocking way. (I don't want to offend anyone with the imprecise pronouns, I don't know whether they are actually mtf, or just crossdress sometimes). So it makes me nervous about how I'd be treated if they knew, and I'm thinking about talking to someone who is actually specialised in this stuff, but I don't know who (if it means anything I live about three hours from Melbourne).
I don't feel up to riding the counsellor carousel where I'm going round and round telling people and having them diagnose me wrong and then I have find someone else..and someone else. I feel like telling one professional will leave me drained enough, let alone having them react negatively which might closet me up again. I thought a good idea would be initially through email or something, before seeing them face to face. Can you do email therapy? Argh this whole process is so alien to me I have no idea about the order of steps, what to do. And sorry if this is swerving around the place, I'm struggling to get my thoughts across.