SarahNicole wrote:The problem is that I've been getting conflicting thoughts again, and I do not want to let the doctors know about this for fear that they will change their minds about letting me start on HRT.
Argh, the gatekeeper fear
again! I'm going into Danish parliament within three weeks to tell them that the psychiatric observation intended to help us make the best decisions actually results in us not being able to address our doubts!
As for your question: The best you can do is get a counsellor who is not connected with the persons doing your assessment. This way you have a person to talk to without fear.
Go deposit sperm. Fertility is
reversible, but it may take a long time for it to restore after quitting or pausing hormones, because they make your testicles shrink and because spermogenesis takes three months (!) itself. Hormones may well affect your wellbeing positively and certainly affects your emotions. The people who have later decided to pause hormones because they wanted children deerly regret going off them for half a year and starting to see their bodies masculinize again!
For the first six months estrogen is considered fully reversible unless your still in puberty. After six months everything but breast growth is considered reversible. This means you can feel safe experimenting for some time if you're reasonably sure. The feeling you may have that HRT is some magic point-of-no-return is not true.
But consider your motives. I went the official GID Clinic 1-year pre-HRT observation route because I wanted
professional guidance talking through my decision, effects and complications. For gatekeeper fear
I ended up never really sharing what doubts I had and the year ended up a complete waste, rather actually gave me a very bad impression of the GID Clinic and hurt the relation I should have benefitted from in the second year of the process. When I did get the HRT experiencing the changes, especially emotionally, was almost like an epiphany! Knowing what I know now getting a direct referral from my GP to a gyneacologist and starting HRT before I entered the GID Clinic would have benefitted me more than waiting a year. The best thing I could have done would however probably have been to get a referral for another clinic and have used the regional clinic for open, honest counselling and the national clinic for the mandatory evaluation.
Because I never got space for my doubts I still have them to some extent. This means, that now when I have actually been approved for surgery I don't consider myself ready, but rather consider myself at the beginning of the process which will lead to my eventual decision on do or don't. Gatekeepers really make you waste a lot of time this way!