I Think I Hate My Family

[Dave]

I left to start my life.
It's been six years since I left my family, the state they live in. I visited twice a year if that, usually for about 3-4 days at a time. Now I decided to visit for a month due to traveling I'll be doing and I have one week left and wonder how the fuck I never killed myself here.

I'm so crushed just being here. I feel like they're killing me, my soul. I've been mocked, outright insulted, marginalized, ignored, guilted, pressured, yelled at, screamed at, and even refused medical care. I'm crying silently in my old room right now wondering if I ever want to come here ever again.
I don't.

My soul is bruised. I feel like if I could get away, I wouldn't. I'd just lay here crying. I'm an empathetic person and there's just so much hate and sadness and guilt and selfishness coming off of these people all the time. It's like being surrounded by crying, devastated children and wondering how they can live like this and how you can ever get over it.


EDIT
I just realized that the longer I'm here, the more I wish to kill myself. I would go somewhere to get help but I know this will pass once I leave and I don't want it to jeopardize future endeavors. They are a quagmire of mental demons and they wish to pull me in, too, because that's all they know. I don't even think they can act maliciously, they just are, they exist and I don't know how. I got out, my aunt told me how happy she was that I got out from this, that I left and went far, far away from it, to the other side of the whole country to become me. She said it was sad to see me go but she was happy I left because she saw it was killing me, suffocating me. I can't come back here.

[Ravin]

You don't have to visit them ever again if you don't want to. It's one of the great things about being an adult. Send them a card at Christmas instead of visiting. If they really want to see you, maybe someday one of them will visit you, which might be less overwhelming because some people who are very toxic collectively can be okay one-on-one, and it'd be on YOUR turf.

This visit will be over soon. If it's been this bad, feel no obligation to do it ever again.

Put another way, I ate one holiday dinner with my mother in law. I will never. do. that. again. even if I'm married to my husband another thirty years (and she lives that long). My husband likes spending holidays with me, so he won't, either.

[Dave]

It's funny you bring up holidays. Last year, I did all the "big holidays" without blood family. It was my partner and some of our friends. The holidays in the kitchen are always always always filled with stress and upset, anger and yelling, and eventually someone breaks down and starts hating everyone. I thought it was the stress of a holiday dinner.
Apparently, it's not. Even with my friend who has Asperger's, which as many know cause her to not pick up on social cues and she ended up having a bit of a tantrum and leaving quite a mess, it was just fine (since I know what Asperger's does, I didn't take offense to her actions or negative words to me). But the holidays were okay! And friends helped clean the kitchen, took leftovers, it was all just FINE. I did the brunt of the cooking and yes it's a production ensuring food cooked at the same time and my feet hurt but I didn't flip out.


Anyway, I ended up getting a plane ticket home for today instead of for a week from now like my original flight plans. I told my brother, who was the only one home, who laughed and said, "Of course! Go! I don't blame you, I want to leave all the time" (he lives there still). I cried because he didn't yell, I was amazed that it was okay. I told dad, who asked if he did anything wrong and we had a long talk so he could understand. He had a hard time understanding and at a few points I felt attcked/insulted but opted to stand my ground. After all, this was the fear I was facing. I had plans that day so I stuck to them and asked dad and my brother to not say anything to mom since I wanted to tell her face-to-face. Brother told her. <.<
But she didn't yell, and also decided to attribute it to something else. I could have let her think it, but decided to express to her the real reason, repeatedly. I know she knows, but she doesn't want to let me know she knows. Fine, as long as she knows.


One sister still needs to know why, telling her...now

[itsa_wallaby]

I'm glad you decided to get out early. Good for you!

I hope things get better once you get home.