I love *her*, but it's different, with *him*

[ElusiveAppellation]

I'm dating someone who's bigender, and I fell for her from the moment we met. We're very much in love, but... I can't seem to get along with the other person in the dynamic. They're just... so different. On the one hand, she's caring, funny, responsible, submissive, and someone I trust completely. On the other hand... he's hurtful, childish, he taunts me, and he's an incorrigible flirt. He doesn't seem to actually take seriously anything I say, and has previously ignored or sidestepped things I bring up by telling me that it was her I was talking with, and that it doesn't apply to him. My latest interactions with him have usually culminated in heated arguments-- I can honestly say that there were times when I wished he didn't exist, the fights got so bad.

I feel like I'm at the end of my rope... I love her desperately, but he's someone I clash with so much that I don't think I could even stand to be friends or acquaintances with him. The complete shift in demeanor and personality is just so... jarring, it makes everything seem unstable, and when he's so defiant and argumentative, it makes me question the relationship... how or if she can still want me if there's so much enmity between he and I, whether he's conspiring to break us up, how aware she is of what he says and does... it's just all so confusing and disorienting.

Am I a terrible person for having these concerns and problems? Does it mean I just don't love my partner enough? How can I learn to get along with him? Is there any way to influence his behavior for the better? Or am I just not cut out to make this work, and if so... is it possible to be in a relationship with just one of them?

[Postmodern Macro]

I'm dating someone who's bigender, and I fell for her from the moment we met. We're very much in love, but... I can't seem to get along with the other person in the dynamic. They're just... so different. On the one hand, she's caring, funny, responsible, submissive, and someone I trust completely. On the other hand... he's hurtful, childish, he taunts me, and he's an incorrigible flirt. He doesn't seem to actually take seriously anything I say, and has previously ignored or sidestepped things I bring up by telling me that it was her I was talking with, and that it doesn't apply to him. My latest interactions with him have usually culminated in heated arguments-- I can honestly say that there were times when I wished he didn't exist, the fights got so bad.

I feel like I'm at the end of my rope... I love her desperately, but he's someone I clash with so much that I don't think I could even stand to be friends or acquaintances with him. The complete shift in demeanor and personality is just so... jarring, it makes everything seem unstable, and when he's so defiant and argumentative, it makes me question the relationship... how or if she can still want me if there's so much enmity between he and I, whether he's conspiring to break us up, how aware she is of what he says and does... it's just all so confusing and disorienting.

Am I a terrible person for having these concerns and problems? Does it mean I just don't love my partner enough? How can I learn to get along with him? Is there any way to influence his behavior for the better? Or am I just not cut out to make this work, and if so... is it possible to be in a relationship with just one of them?

No, I don't think it means that you don't love her enough. Think about it this way--would you be having these same questions about your relationship if you were dealing, with, say... an obnoxious sibling she had? Or an assbutt-friend? I really can't give you any advice other than talk to them. Find out if HE has something against you. I mean, like any other relationship, it's gonna need communication, and lots of it.

Here's the thing though. Is it that he IS actually being childish and defiant, or that he's just not doing what you say? Your wording regarding the two of them (HE'S defiant, SHE'S submissive) has me wondering how healthy the relationship is.

I don't know how closely linked the two of them are, either, but to be honest? If someone told PM something and expected it to apply to me? Yeah, I'd be a little offended. We're DIFFERENT PEOPLE. And honestly, that might be HIS problem. Take a step back and see how you're treating him. Like he's just an annoying part of HER to be dealt with, or like an actually separate person? I'm not trying to be an ass here, but being in a relationship with plurals--whether they're multiple, median, bigender, whatever--CAN be hard. Just... remember that everyone in there is people too, okay?

[ElusiveAppellation]

I guess the thing I worry about is... that there's such a compatibility gap between the two. That and... she stresses out a lot about not being aware of what he does or how he acts with me.

I just... it's very confusing to me. And I'm seriously wondering whether it's possible to be in a relationship with just one of them. If so... does that mean I have to allow him to pursue other people? I've... been cheated on in the past, and I'm a very jealous person, as a result. That's... why I worry so much about him being such a flirt. Add to that the fact that he doesn't want us to be publicly shown to be in a relationship together, anywhere, even on websites with pseudonyms... I'm feeling extremely vulnerable. I trust her, you understand... but I don't exactly trust him.

[Postmodern Macro]

I guess the thing I worry about is... that there's such a compatibility gap between the two. That and... she stresses out a lot about not being aware of what he does or how he acts with me.

I just... it's very confusing to me. And I'm seriously wondering whether it's possible to be in a relationship with just one of them. If so... does that mean I have to allow him to pursue other people? I've... been cheated on in the past, and I'm a very jealous person, as a result. That's... why I worry so much about him being such a flirt. Add to that the fact that he doesn't want us to be publicly shown to be in a relationship together, anywhere, even on websites with pseudonyms... I'm feeling extremely vulnerable. I trust her, you understand... but I don't exactly trust him.

Well, first off, if she's not aware of what he does... that's some cause for concern, and NOT the mark of a healthy system. I would recommend trying to find a multiplicity-positive shrink to help work out the issues.

Me personally? I don't see any problems with him having a relationship with someone else, as long as all parties are in communication--including you and whoever he chooses to pursue. Like, "Well, I want to do things with HER on Tuesday, would you mind moving your date with HIM to Friday?"

Don't get me wrong, he sounds like kind of an ass, but understand that some people just ARE asses. I think that if it's important to you and your girlfriend, the three of you need to find a way to make everything work. EVERYONE is going to have to make compromises.

And try not to hold HIS asshattery against your girlfriend. :3

[ElusiveAppellation]

Her therapist refers to her as having multiple personality disorder, so... dunno if that speaks ill of them or what. There is a level of stigma attached with the use of 'disorder', though.

I think the reason why I'm so averse to him dating someone other than me is because I've never been comfortable with the concept of polyamory. I know, technically it might not be polyamory, since there are distinct persons or personalities in play. Maybe that means I'm having some kind of cognitive dissonance... probably between very strict concepts of what fidelity and monogamy mean, and the need to be accepting and supportive of my mate.

I guess I also worry about what it means if I find myself... pitying them? I'm wondering over whether it's a bad sign, if I begin to pity them... if it means I'm going to be looking down on or patronizing them.

...
Thank you for replying, PM. And Tom. I felt like I was going to have to face this situation all alone, without any other specially pertinent perspectives or advice, until you did.

[Postmodern Macro]

Her therapist refers to her as having multiple personality disorder, so... dunno if that speaks ill of them or what. There is a level of stigma attached with the use of 'disorder', though.

I think the reason why I'm so averse to him dating someone other than me is because I've never been comfortable with the concept of polyamory. I know, technically it might not be polyamory, since there are distinct persons or personalities in play. Maybe that means I'm having some kind of cognitive dissonance... probably between very strict concepts of what fidelity and monogamy mean, and the need to be accepting and supportive of my mate.

I guess I also worry about what it means if I find myself... pitying them? I'm wondering over whether it's a bad sign, if I begin to pity them... if it means I'm going to be looking down on or patronizing them.

...
Thank you for replying, PM. And Tom. I felt like I was going to have to face this situation all alone, without any other specially pertinent perspectives or advice, until you did.

Well, the thing is, within the psychiatric community, the primary focus seems to be on integration rather than living as a healthy system. (And if your partner WANTS that, that's fine. But if she doesn't, yeah, she might wanna find a new shrink.)

Really, it comes down to how much you trust your partner. I mean, my boyfriend is part of my best friend's system. My friend has a sort-of-girlfriend, and I'm cool with that. PM's boyfriend is cool with us having relationships too, 'cause he knows we're not her. And listen, if they're anything like my friend, pity is the last thing they're gonna want. In fact, pity may just piss HIM off.